SKING DIAMOND

hello friends and lovers, this is the official recap of my first full week in LA, since I moved from the east coast. well, I continue to push forward in my epic pursuit to bridge the gap between stoner comedy and hardcore pornography. I will be performing stand-up this weekend somewhere in Hollywood. I asked a woman to step on my balls, and she declined. we came to a compromise when she agreed to wrap a burlap sack around my penis and jerk me off. it is with great pride that I announce the new head of IGRO’s east coast HQ, Wrath von MagicMist, fulfilled our request of putting King Diamond’s head on Skin Diamond’s body. it may end up getting deleted by flickr, but who gives a fuck, I may get the privilege to meet Skin in a matter of hours. yeah, I’m a pervert, and I’m extremely hilarious, too. u wanna fuck? I’m sorry I haven’t updated Ultimate surrender, but I will probably have it done within the next few days. keep hope alive, and thanks for reading! we’ll be back on a regular basis very soon…

MISSION, DESTROY ALIENS!!!

Local Fucktard Learns How To Use A Mac

I am writing to let all u wonderful ppl know i arrived safe and sound in Los Angeles at approx. 1 PM Pacific time on April 3. I took a flight from Reagan National to Chicago O’Hare, where I was to have an impromptu match with CM Punk for the WWE title at baggage carousel 4, but he never showed up. my connecting flight to LAX was uneventful. the in-flight movie was Hugo, and then they aired some NBC shows, Office, 30 Rock, etc.

my friend and I went to Jersey Mike’s where I had a fantastic meatball and cheese sub. as we were walking back towards the main concourse, I spotted porn icon, Alex Sanders. he was pretty big in the mid 90s and early 2000s (might still be in the jizz biz today) I recognized him by his curly pony-tailed hair which reminded me of a tude brah I went to college with. I didn’t say anything to him, but I’m 99% sure it was him. to top it off, I saw a homeless man squatting on the side of the street, so he could shit into a plastic bag (take that, Occupy DC!) and I’ve only been here for half a day!

I don’t have my own computer, so I am using my friend’s Mac, in the interim. I will try to post further updates, as events warrant.

Can’t Talk Right Now, I’m Watching My Little Pony

My Little Pony
when Rainbow Dash’s former lover pays a visit to that place where all the ponies live, Pinkie Pie puts her plastic cock-blocking skills to good use. u watch Pinkie Pie chasing Rainbow Dash, and it’s like Pepe Le Pew chasing that cat that had a painted stripe, to make her look like a skunk. after watching this episode, I became a full-on My Little Brony!

“U MAD, BRONY?”

Delocated
I don’t wanna go into too much detail about this episode, other than to say it kinda felt like a series finale. even tho it wasn’t even a season finale. if u look at PFFR’s track record, a three-season show would be par for the course. it’s best to go out while you’re on top, and this was the best season to date! there is a reunion episode/season finale this Thursday nite.

Check It Out
Dr. Steve Brule explores Pleasure. he goes to the candy store, where he breaks his teeth on a lollipop. he goes to the county fair, where he breaks his nose on a roller coaster. he goes to a bath house, where he may have been violated. he eats a mystical root, which causes him to freak out.

South Park
cat-breading becomes the hot new meme, and everyone now thinks cats have evolved to the intelligence level of humans. Cartman struggles to keep the art of Faith Hilling relevant.

Ugly Americans
Twayne quits when Mark’s comedy roast of him goes too far. Mark takes over, and immediately runs into problems, when he shuts down the Department of Birthdays.

American Dad
trading places episode where Jeff and Haley become the heads of household, and Stan and Francine live on a minimum-wage salary for a month; Roger and Steve test drive the car of their dreams.

Bob’s Burgers
Bob gets a new ice cream machine; Linda teaches the kids synchronized swimming class.

Mary Shelley’s Frankenhole
Victor builds a robot, so he can see what he really looks like, and doesn’t like the results.

we also watched three episodes of Robot Chicken. my average score was 6-6-6 (one 6, two 7s)

we’ve come to the end of an era. with my departure to set up operations on the west coast, I will no longer be frequenting the House of MagicMist. it’s been a good run…

XianZ: +10
netflix: 5/5
imdb: 10/10

Ultimate Surrender – S9E30 – (9) Penny Play vs. (10) Audrey Rose

we have a real treat for all the D&D fanboys out there, as Penny Play aka “The Tarrasque” makes her triumphant return to Ultimate Surrender, after a 3.5 year absence. her one and only match, was a loss to the Captor of Sin, way back in season 6. in the interim, Penny had a kid, but now The Tarrasque is back to feed on an overburdened mid-card.

Audrey Rose is one of the standout noobz of season 9. after losing to Holly Heart in her debut match, Audrey scored a mild upset over Serena Blair, in week 23. Audrey is cumming off a win on the tag circuit, with her partner Isamar “The Academy” Gutierrez, over Rain DeGrey and Bryn Blayne.

this was one of the more evenly-matched pairings we’ve had this season. a returning veteran with just one match under her belt, against a noob, in her third singles match. experience did not win out on this day, as Penny held off Audrey for a 166-157 victory. Penny showed off her mad specs appeal in round 4, while pounding Audrey’s asshole with a green strap-on, in a variety of positions. the Goddess of Sodomy was your referee, but did not participate in round 4. it’s great to see Penny back, as she has the potential to get to the 1/4 finals of Summer Vengeance, if not further. Audrey is the next best noob, after Bryn, and depending on the draw, could make it to the 1/4 finals as well.

there was no tag match last Friday, with Serena Blair pulling out, due to safety concerns. she is still training, so don’t rule out a return. the Princess Donna era officially begins today, with the first two matches scheduled, with her as Director. we here at IGRO hope Donna retains the Goddess of Sodomy as everyone’s favourite referee. only a slight change to the bottom of the ladder, from last week’s rankings:

01. AX
02. ISAMAR
03. DRAGON
04. DARLING
05. RAIN
06. BRYN
07. MAHINA
08. HOLLY
09. PENNY
10. AUDREY

‘Cuz 12 Out Of 13 Ain’t Bad

we had so much shit to watch last week, that we spread it out over two nites. 13 shows in all, 12 of which were good. I won’t factor the terrible show into my ratings, b/c it was a one-off. for those of u keeping score, hipsterscum only watched South Park.

Odd Job Jack – animated show from Cananaduh about a guy who bounces around from job to job. the episode we watched had him working for his mother at an ad agency. saw Tom Arnold in the opening credits, knew it was gonna suck ass…I was right! Wrath didn’t like the animation, vowed to never watch another episode.

Mary Shelley’s Frankenhole – Hyralius, the monster who likes making jokes about Asian stereotypes runs amok. Ken Jeong (Hangover) supplies the voices of all the characters.

The Simpsons – everyone at the plant is replaced by robots (voiced by Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation) the robots eventually turn on mankind, when Homer reprograms them to kill

Check It Out – season 2 premiere has Dr. Steve Brule exploring the world of Boats. this bit was made even funnier, by Steve’s constant vomiting. Ronnie Rodriguez (known as the world’s best Johnny Depp impersonator) makes a guest appearance as Captain Jack Sparrow.

Family Guy – Stewie conducts an experiment to see if Brian and Peter would actually be friends, if they didn’t live together.

American Dad – Stan’s painful childhood memories prevent him from giving up on Steve’s puppy, after it is crushed by a hot air balloon full of pirate cats.

Cleveland Show – Cleveland’s attempts to bond with his father, are derailed by Junior’s ability to correctly pick college basketball winners. this rift causes Cleveland to join up with his father’s rival in a father-son golf tournament

Archer – Season 3 finale guest starring Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) as the leader of mutineers aboard the international space station. ISIS is in dire need of a captain, after Cyril accidentally kills the only man capable of flying the ship back to Earth.

Unsupervised – Gary and Joel feel discriminated against, when the school refuses to let them donate blood. the Principal and baseball coach change their mind, thinking younger blood will help revitalize them. the no-prize here was that they were too stupid to bother to check if Gary and Joel had acceptable blood types.

Bob’s Burgers – Bob and Linda attempt to capitalize on the free advertising, while there’s a bank robbery going on across the street.

Delocated – TB is disgusted when he finds out his mom is dating The Glaze; Jon dates a Chinese woman, who turns out to be Korean.

South Park – Stan’s uncle pays $6000 for a bolo tie, causing the boys to take up a crusade against the home shopping networks.

Ugly Americans – Mark switches teams in the company football game, after Randall replaces him at work; Callie pimps Leonard, so she can get a sweet new ride.

XianZ: +8
netflix: 4/5
imdb: 9/10

Mr. Perfect Woulda Been 54 Today: RIP Curt Hennig

wrasslin’ is littered with wrasslers who passed well before their time. Mr. Perfect is one of my all-time favourites, and I was extremely verklempt, when I heard the news of his passing, in 2003. Mr. Perfect was one of the best all-around performers to ever grace the squared circle. no one could touch him in terms of athletic prowess, and he was also one of the best on the mic. he will be forever lumped in with guys like Ted DiBiase and Rick Rude (RIP) as guys who were the best at what they did, but never held the WWF title *cough* Hulk Hogan *cough* not only was Perfect an excellent wrassler, but he was just as good in a non-wrasslin’ role (most notably in his role as Ric Flair’s personal adviser when Flair won the 1992 Royal Rumble, and WWF title) the eventual face turn at Survivor Series that year, lead to Perfect beating Flair in a loser leaves WWF, in one of the earliest RAWs, circa January 1993. in short, Mr. Perfect was FUCKING AWESOME! it’s a shame that they won’t let his son (Michael McGillicutty) wrassle under the family name, but I digress. RIP Mr. Perfect, I know u and Randy Savage are tearin’ down the house, up there in heaven…

Local Experts Can’t Agree On Whether Styx Sucks Worse Than Rush

I should start by apologising for not mentioning Wrath’s Skrillex-style haircut in my previous weekend recap. the irony of this was not lost, as he had recently banned all talk of Dubstep. this was just one of the many fascinating topics we touched on during a recent trip to McDonald’s. diatomaceous earth will be used to eradicate a roach problem. they eat that shit, and it cuts them from the inside, causing them to dehydrate. nothing like talking about dried out roach corpses, while you’re scarfing down a greasy double cheeseburger. special shout-out to the MILF we saw at Burger King the following day. it smelled like she uses Herbal Essences shampoo.

Hipsterscum arrived on the scene for more scintillating conversation, and there was also a party to attend. I don’t know the difference between Rush and Styx, and so I made the mistake of thinking a Styx song was a Rush song, or maybe it was vice versa, or maybe I thought a Voivod song was a Styx song. bottom line is, I had no idea who sang the Mr. Roboto song, and this sparked a pretty good debate over which band sucked more: Wrath favoured Rush, and hipsterscum went with Styx. hipsterscum mentioned Geddy Lee did a song with Bob and Doug McKenzie (Strange Brew) and he asked if I thought that was cool, and I was like that really depends on how much u like Rush. that was just one of those conversations that kinda went nowhere.

the final member of our party arrived, and the decision was made to take two cars. hipsterscum cited the need to be able to leave straight home from the party (even tho he returned to the house of MagicMist) I rode with hipsterscum, who wanted to get beer. nevermind the fact that I had a perfectly good 12-pack of room-temperature Budweiser! we stopped at a gas station, and the girl who was driving the lead car, asked him if he would buy some gum and water for her, while she got gas. the station didn’t have any beer, so he declined. he yelled out to her, to make sure that we stopped at the 7-11, so he could get some beer. I wasn’t really sure whether she acknowledged his cries for alcohol, but we did stop at 7-11. she waited until after he got the beer, to go in and pick up some food for the party. I asked hipsterscum whether this was payback for him not buying the gum and water. it felt like an epic NON-VERBAL BURN! hipsterscum declined to comment, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t spend more time waiting in the parking lot for these chomsky honks to buy their shit, than we did driving to the party. 15 minute drive, 20 minute wait!

the party we went to was supposed to be for someone’s birthday. I realized shortly after arriving, that the girl who’s birthday it was supposed to be, was actually a month ago. that might explain why she didn’t RSVP on the facebook invite. it was a pretty good turnout regardless, and they had an impressive collection of vinyl. they said they had something for everyone’s taste, and they weren’t lying! I think they played some KMFDM.

I got into a conversation about Genesis. while they certainly achieved their heights in popularity with Phil Collins on vox, I’ve always preferred Peter Gabriel. I talked with someone else about Family Guy, and it’s spin-offs. Cleveland Show is great, and it certainly seems to be the most palatable for network tv. Quagmire woulda been my first choice, but his humour would be better suited to HBO. Hipsterscum talked about his upcoming trip to San Diego. we are making plans to hang out when he gets out there. it seems as tho he’s also leaning towards moving to SoCal.

the basement area served as a recording studio. Hipsterscum picked up an acoustic guitar, and started jamming with another brah on the bagpipes. it was pretty cool to hear them thru headphones, while they were being recorded. we got to hear the final mix on the upstairs stereo. I passed out around 4:30 AM

be back tomorrow with a full recap of all the shows we watched…

…And That’s Why John Cena Should Put The Rock Over At WrestleMania

someone posted the Once In A Lifetime video hyping the upcoming showdown between The Rock and John Cena this Sunday, at WrestleMania. let me save u save u about 40 minutes. it’s nothing u haven’t seen before. interviews, clips, backstage stuff, etc. looks like it took Vinman’s PR department all of about 15 minutes to edit together, from previous John Cena and Rock WWE DVDs. I’m just ready for this shit to be over with. let’s get to my bold ass WrestleMania predictions. FYI, the only match I incorrectly picked from last year’s event was Edge-ADR.

The Rock vs. John Cena – did they hype this match for an entire year, just so The Rock could come back to his hometown, and put John Cena over?!? HELL NO! there’s nothing to be gained from having Cena win this match, b/c the Rock will be gone again for another 3 or 4 months. Cena is the ultimate company guy, and regardless of any legitimate heat the two may have, he knows WWE is better served by Rock going over. Cena is the most over wrassler of the current generation, but he will NEVER reach the heights Rock and Austin did back in the Attitude Era. what will absolutely suck, is if they go thru with the terrible idea of having The Miz do a run-in, and costing Cena the match. I want Rock to win, but it needs to be a clean win.
CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho – who really is the best in the world? for my money, Y2J is still the best, but I think Punk retains. either way, this will end up being the best match on the card!
Undertaker vs. Triple H – Hell In A Cell to go 20-0. the following nite on RAW, they will book Trips-HBK for Mania 29.
Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus – the least-talked about world title match in the history of sports entertainment. Daniel Bryan is currently boning one of the Bella twins, so that’s a good enough reason to pick him to retain.
Team Laryngitis vs. Team Long – this was supposedly the Money In The Bank spot, but in lieu of Wade Barrett’s elbow injury, we get this clusterfuck of a match. I’m going to assume Alberto Del Rio (Laryngitis) and Rey Mysterio (Long) will round out the 6-man teams. the mid-card division is incredibly weak, and would benefit from a Miz face turn. Team Laryngitis to win, with Dolph Ziggler carrying this match.
Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show – I would rather see Cody wrestle Goldust with Big Dust as the special guest referee…
Randy Orton vs. Kane – b/c creative had absolutely nothing for either one of these guys.
some type of Divas thingy – this will probably be the only time of the year fans will actually give a shit about the womens division, so can we PLEASE get Beth Phoenix vs. Kharma?!?

Ultimate Surrender – S9E29 – (2) Isamar Gutierrez vs. (6) Bryn Blayne – Princess Donna To Replace Matt

big news came down last nite, when Matt revealed that he was leaving Kink to pursue other interests. Princess Donna will be taking over Ultimate Surrender. anyone who’s familiar with her work on some of US sister sites (wiredpussy, public disgrace, etc.) knows that she will bring it each and every week. while we here at IGRO, are sad to see him leave, we wish him nothing but the best in all his future endeavors.

not to be overshadowed by the news of Matt’s departure, we had a showdown between two gals capable of making deep runs in Summer Vengeance. Isamar Gutierrez is the pride of the Academy. dispatching of Bella Rossi in her US debut, Isamar hit a stumbling block in her loss to Rain DeGrey. Isamar appears to have mastered the learning curve, and with the help of Audrey Rose, scored a measure of revenge, beating Rain and Bryn in this month’s tag team update.

Bryn Blayne is going to end up being season 9′s rookie of the year. two tag matches under her belt, and already making an impression on the singles circuit. a loss to AX in her singles debut, followed by an impressive win over Holly Heart. Bryn has been training with the Goddess of Sodomy.

Isamar may be the most viable threat to AX chances of repeating as Summer Vengeance champion. this was a beneficial match for both wrestlers. Isamar continues to adapt to US more style-centric scoring system, while Bryn gets another match against a Big 4 opponent. Isamar turned in the most impressive outing of her brief US career, jumping on Bryn from the start. she used some spot-on fingering techniques, coupled with smothering Bryn with those spectacular funbags of hers. Isamar came away with a 379-101 victory. the Goddess of Sodomy was your referee, but was not involved in round 4. Isamar’s fishhook technique appears to be ready for Summer Vengeance.

my rankings remain unchanged from last week:
01. AX 02. ISAMAR 03. DRAGON 04. DARLING 05. RAIN 06. BRYN 07. MAHINA 08. HOLLY 09. AUDREY 10. SERENA

and a big welcome to Donna! we look forward to big things from her!
if anyone saw last nite’s tag match, feel free to post spoilers…

Shia LaBeouf Exposes Marilyn Manson’s Fetish For Bald Women

I heard Marilyn Manson has a new album coming out, and will be touring. I ain’t never seen his live show, but I think I speak for everyone who’s even remotely familiar with his work, in saying that AntiChrist Superstar is his best album. many ppl like to argue he just took Christian Death’s formula, and popularized it. who the fuck cares?!? I like Christian Death (the first album) ok, I just like Rozz Williams singing voice (may he Rest In Peace) Nine Inch Nails and Skinny Puppy are two more bands I like to throw in the conversation. and oh, btw, I just started listening to the latest Skinny Puppy album, it’s pretty good. not as good as their late 80s-early 90s stuff, but better than most of the dreck that’s out there right now. Shia LaBeouf directed this new propaganda video hyping the release of Manson’s new album. it doesn’t make up for those shitty TransFormers movies! I checked out the opening act for Manson’s tour, and whilst I held out hopes, my hopes were dashed after seeing one of their videos. if u like shit bands like Evanescence and post-Liv Khrystine Theatre of Tragedy then this shit is right up your poop chute!