Kreator Out, Alice In Chains In

these are the difficult decisions one must make. both Kreator and Alice In Chains are playing shows in the DC area on March 3, and I’ve decided to attend the AIC show. (sorry, Clint) this was based primarily on the fact that recent AIC setlists indicate that I would know approx. 80% of the songs being played. whereas, I’m not that familiar with anything Kreator’s done since Coma of Souls, which came out in 1990. another factor in my decision, was that I have always wanted to see AIC. I’ve seen Kreator once before at Jaxx about 4 years ago with Napalm Death. this decision was made even more difficult, b/c this is Kreator’s 25th Anniversary tour, and they are saying they will be playing some classic songs they don’t usually play live! I’ll be fucking kicking myself indefinitely if they end up playing Pleasure To Kill in it’s entirety. if these shows were on different dates, I would definitely attend both. Alice In Chains will be the first of three really big shows I’ll be seeing within the span of six weeks!

Megadeth on the Rust In Peace tour at 9:30 club on March 15
Faith No More at The Warfield April 12 (first US show in 11+ years!)

Alice In Chains
Paramount Theater
Seattle, WA
100206
All Secrets Known -> It Ain’t Like That -> Again -> Check My Brain -> Them Bones -> Dam That River -> Rain When I Die -> Your Decision -> No Excuses -> Love, Hate, Love -> A Looking In View -> Nutshell -> Sickman -> Junkhead -> Lesson Learned -> We Die Young -> Acid Bubble -> Angry Chair -> Man in the Box -> Encore: Would? -> Rooster

Porn Industry Lauded For Timely Release Of Tiger Woods XXX Parody

sure, just because you make billions of dollars in endorsements, you’ve won 71 tournaments (including 14 majors), and are already considered the greatest golfer of all time, you haven’t truly hit the big time until the adult film industry makes a xxx parody about your life-life-life…

enter ZB Ventures and their parody of the recent Tiger Woods sex scandal with Tiger’s Got Wood the timeless story of a professional golfer, and his insatiable desire to fuck anything with a pulse.

got an up and cumming female protege you’re tutoring? FUCK HER BRAINS OUT!
a female caddie who doesn’t know the difference between a 5-iron and a 9-wood? FUCK HER BRAINS OUT!
threesome with a coupla groupies, FUCK THEIR BRAINS OUT!
got a really big interview with a cute tv reporter? do the interview, and then, audience…FUCK HER BRAINS OUT!!! aha, ok, now you’re on the trolley!

the guy who plays Tiger Woods kinda looks like him, as does the gal who plays Tiger’s wife (WHO IS FUCKING HOTTER THAN MY NUTS ON A RADIATOR!) this is definitely one of those kinds of movies where you could envisualize yourself having sex with every female cast member. as someone who hasn’t yet seen this movie, I will say, that this is a parody that stays true to the real-life events whut done it parodicizes…

as Chris Rock once said “a man is only as faithful as his options.”

…And That’s Why The Colts Will Win The Super Bowl

simulated the Super Bowl on Madden 10 for PS3…
Peyton Manning was named MVP for his 4 TD 302-yard passing performance
Reggie Wayne had 2 TD and 113 yards receiving
Pierre Garcon had a TD and 74 yards
Dallas Clark had a TD and 56 yards
Joseph Addai had 82 yards rushing and a TD

Drew Brees threw for 287 yards 2 TD and 2 INT in a losing effort
Robert Meachem had a TD and 97 yards receiving
Marques Colston had a TD and 63 yards
Reggie Bush finished with 126 all-purpose yards and a rushing TD

the Colts took the opening drive 63 yards for the game’s first score when Peyton Manning hooked up with Reggie Wayne for the first of his two touchdown catches, a 17-yard strike.

the Saints responded on their opening drive with a nine-play 80 yard drive that was capped by an 8-yard TD pass from Drew Brees to Marques Colston

END OF 1ST QUARTER:
SAINTS 7 COLTS 7

both teams punted on subsequent possessions, but the Colts found the end zone once again, when Manning hooked up with Pierre Garcon on a 22-yard pass play, putting the Colts up 14-7

the Saints had a chance to tie the game just before halftime, but the drive stalled just outside the 20, prompting them to settle for a 40-yard field goal

HALFTIME:
COLTS 14 SAINTS 10

the Saints got the ball to start the 2nd half, but were once again thwarted by a stingy Colts defense, as Reggie Bush came up short on a 3rd and 2 play from the Colts 9. a 27-yard field goal by Garrett Hartley cut the Colts lead to 14-13

the Colts punted on their next possession, but the Saints failed to capitalize, when Brees was intercepted by Antoine Bethea.

the Colts had great field position starting the drive on the New Orleans 33. 5 plays later, Joseph Addai found the end zone on a 6-yard run.

Reggie Bush returned the ensuing kickoff all the way back to the Indianapolis 27, and was rewarded 4 plays later with an 11-yard touchdown run.

END OF 3RD QUARTER:
COLTS 21 SAINTS 20

as the 4th quarter started, the Colts were faced with a critical 3rd and 12 from their own 32. that’s when Manning found Dallas Clark wide open on a crossing pattern that resulted in a 19-yard gain to keep the drive alive. it wasn’t long after that Manning once again hooked up with Clark on a 10-yard score that extended the Colts lead to 28-20.

the Saints had another solid drive going deep in to Colts territory when Drew Brees was picked off for a second time, this time by CB Kelvin Hayden.

the Colts went 62 yards on the subsequent drive. Manning found Wayne in the end zone for a second time, on a 23-yard touchdown pass to put the final touches on another Super Bowl victory

the Saints added a late touchdown when Brees connected with Robert Meachem on a 14-yard pass, but it was too little too late. the Saints were unable to recover the onside kick, and Indy ran out the clock…

FINAL SCORE:
COLTS 35 SAINTS 27

Not even a surprise grizzly bear attack during the 3rd quarter could prevent Peyton Manning and the Colts from winning their second Super Bowl in four seasons

Ultimate Surrender – S7E21 – (6) Isis Love vs. Krystal Main

Ultimate Surrender had been cast in to bizarro world in the last coupla weeks. referees nearly lapsing in to comas! matches ending in ties! (what is this soccer?!?) who would step up to right this ship? who would step up and say “enough is enough, I’ve got to whoop a noobs ass, and then fuck the shit out of her in round 4!”

and here cums The Goddess…of Sodomy. if it weren’t for the return of Dragon Lily, she would be the clear-cut winner for cumback of the year! she is the most active veteran thus far in season 7, having already racked up 3 impressive victories over hapless noobs. she is also fresh off her tag team championship run with Vendetta.

Krystal Main is known as “The Demon” is she beast or is she human, is she just like you, power seething, really reeling, reaching out for you! is she demon? we need to know! one thing we do know is that she contacted Matt about beating up some porn bitches. she does have some wrestling experience and hails from Madison, Wisconsin.

was there ever any doubt as to who would win this match? the great thing about watching Isis wrestle the noobs, is that she likes to toy with them. giving them false hope, only to rip orgasm after orgasm out of their quivering bodies, as they lay prone on the mat. with her 883-161 victory over Ms. Main, Isis has now won each of her 4 matches this season, by an average of 900 points! even tho Isis is officially placed 6th on my power rankings, she is at the top of her game, and is a legitimate contender for Summer Vengence IV.

Vendetta has improved her record to 3-0 vs. Ariel X on the tag team circuit. V and her new partner, Tara Lynn Fox, squeaked by with a 15 point victory over AX and Mellanie Monroe, 857-842. according to Matt, the match may have turned in round 1, when AX and The Cowgirl were unable to use one of their tags. we had a Princess Donna sighting in the audience tonite! unfortunately, she didn’t do much in round 4, other than choking the losers, and having them lick her very groovy boots.

DC Area Braces For More Serious ASS

OH PPL NO! I meant ASS as in Another Saturday Snow! I’m about to head in to work, and everything else is already closed…for the weekend! best case scenario, work closes early, and I won’t hafta go back until Monday. I have tix to tonite’s Caps game, but I’m hoping the NHL does the right thing, and postpones the game. if not, hopefully they will give me tix to a future game. Metro will stop running service (to above ground stations) once the snow reaches 8″, which could be as early as 9 PM tonite. by the time it’s all said and done, we could get anywhere between 16-22″. at least I have a backup plan for this inclement weather. new season of the Ultimate Surrender tag league starts tonite at 10 PM. Ariel X & Mellanie Monroe vs. Vendetta & Tara Lynn Fox!

Binge Drinking Session Highlights Local Alcoholic’s Wednesday To-Do List

started drinking Heinekens around 4 PM yesterday…went to Better Buy to pick up a case for an 8 GB ipod touch…went to happy hour at Hops…their sweet bread is like buttah…went over to my friend’s place and watched Final Destination 4…watching it in 3-D was cool, but it was just more of the same old same old, from a franchise that appears to have run out of gas…I give it 2 formulaic plot twists…out of 5…we re-watched the pilot episode of Totally For Teens…I’m still baffled as to why [adult swim] didn’t pick this up as a series…I drank some whiskey…I passed out…eventually, we will watch that movie starring Corey Feldman and Bronson Pinchot…I think it’s about a high school principal who has sex with his students…new season of Sarah Silverman starts tonite…THE END

Local Idiot To Begin Using Xavier Quotes In Place Of Actual Facebook Status Updates

because no one really cares about my day at work, or the fact that I got an erection while eating a turkey club sandwich…or do they? well, regardless, I don’t put much stock in whether ppl pay attention to my inane blather. so I’ve decided to slowly assimilate all the memorable quotes from the most quotable show to ever appear on late-night basic cable television, Xavier: Renegade Angel, in to my status updates on facebook. they’ve been trickling in slowly but surely over the last couple of weeks, and I plan to devote at least an entire week of updates, with nothing but quotes from the show. look for them to start appearing sometime around my 32nd Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary. well, I gotta ramble, meeting a brohan for happy hour. later, chomsky honks!

Johnny Huepow: AHL Legend

he rocked minor league hockey rinks from Manitoba to Bridgeport, Connecticut. he is the only man to take a 5-minute major for sodomizing an opponent with the butt end of a hockey stick, and then come back to score the game-winning goal. after spending half a season with the Washington Capitals AHL affiliate in Hershey, Johnny Huepow is ready to take the NHL by storm.

his trademark between the legs wristshot stupefied many an AHL goalie. Huepow was among the league leaders in goals (19) assists (34) and points (53). his self-appointed theme song, Moistboyz “Captain America” blasted over the PA every time he scored a goal.

of his call-up to Washington, Huepow said “it’s about fucking time they elevated me to the main squad. it was a lot of fun playing in Hershey, but after a while, you just get tired of beating up on scrubs and or scrotes like the Adirondack Phantoms.”

Huepow will be placed on the Caps second line with Brooks Laich and Mike Knuble. he is expected to make his NHL debut when the team visits Montreal on Feb. 10

Huepow receives 5-minute major for aggravated sodomy…

…then comes back to score the game-winning goal!

I Got Me One Of Them Fancy Electronic Messages From [adult swim] Over The Weekend

Dear Uncle Moneybags,

Are you the world’s biggest Metalocalypse fan? No, really, their BIGGEST fan? Well, time to put your money where your mouth is by blowing all of that filthy, dirty cash you have lying around on this incredibly decadent purchase: a replica of the fountain that decorates the nightmarish foyer of Dethklok’s luxurious and deadly estate. Nothing will boast your dedication to animated death-metal more than this disgustingly lavish and entirely unnecessary conversation piece squatting in your front yard. It will also do your neighbors the courtesy of informing them that yes, you are 100% balls-out crazy. Both shipping (and, of course, blood) are not included.

In case you couldn’t tell, this is a pretty big deal. Just so we’re clear:

You can order a replica of Dethklok’s fountain
It costs $40,000
It’s a marble fountain; approx. 66″ in height, 96″ basin diameter
Expect 8-12 weeks production time
It ships anywhere in North America or the Caribbean
Price does NOT include shipping, and will vary by location
A $13,000 security deposit is required upon purchase to weed out the jokers
The fountain is non-refundable
Seriously, this is real

Don’t you think you’ve earned a little $40,000 something? Go ahead. Place your order now and secure your destiny as “that guy” on your street.

Help put our kids through college,
AdultSwim.com

Bold Ass Royal Rumble Predictions

in addition to the 30-man Royal Rumble match, this year’s card features four title matches:
Sheamus vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Championship
Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio for the World Heavyweight Championship
Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson for the ECW Championship
Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James for the WWE Womens Chamionship

as of press time, 25 of the 30 participants had been confirmed for the Royal Rumble match:
Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Jr., Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Chris Jericho, CM Punk, Jack Swagger, Great Khali, Big Show, John Cena, Batista, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, MVP, The Miz, Carlito, Kofi Kingston, Chris Masters, Yoshi Tatsu, Kane, R-Truth, Matt Hardy, William Regal, Zack Ryder, Shelton Benjamin

plain and simple, very rarely do any titles change hands at this event. Randy Orton has the best chance to capture a title. word is that Sheamus and Triple H are the bosomest of brahs, and they could end up wrestling for the WWE title at WrestleMania…the Batista-Rey Mysterio feud should continue thru WrestleMania, with Batista costing Rey his match vs. Taker, and then Rey comes back to help eliminate Batista from the Royal Rumble…Christian should get past Ezekiel Jackson, but then again, I don’t watch ECW…I’d like to see Mickie James beat Michelle McCool, if for no other reason, than creative has insisted on making her out to be an overweight pig on WWE TV in recent months…shame on you Vinman for ridiculing the phattest ass since Teagan Presley

the Royal Rumble match is going to be won by Triple H! Shawn Michaels will be among the last few standing. he’ll probably have a bit where they tease like he wins, but then Triple H pulls himself back over the ropes, and eliminates HBK while his back is turned. I can almost guarantee Shawn will have a similar spot, where he is nearly eliminated, but pulls himself back. John Cena and Chris Jericho are my other two picks to be in the final four. if you’re looking for a darkhorse pick, how about The Miz. he has great mic skills, is the current US champion, and his star can only rise with a strong showing in the Rumble. Legacy could finally be broken up, as perhaps Cody Rhodes accidentally eliminates his partner, Ted Dibiase…JUNIOR, or vice versa.