I only say this, b/c I try to avoid going #2 in public restrooms at all costs. I don’t even bother lining the bowl with toilet paper. I just squat over the bowl, and pray no water splashes up in to my anus.
I had drank a case of Heineken the previous nite, along with several soft taco supremes from Taco Bell, which would ultimately lead to an explosive combination. I was more or less feeling a tad bit gassy the rest of the nite.
I ate my lunch today, which was a turkey and cheese on rye, a banana, granola bar, and Sprite. about 30 mins. later I heard the first rumblings in my stomach. I tried to stave them off, but then I began suffering from stabbing rectal pains. I still had 3 hours left in my shift, and I knew I had to let loose post-haste.
there was nothing solid about this BM. my sphincter began making all kinds of hideous sounds, and I’m pretty sure the guy sitting in the stall next to me, was laughing. for dramatic effect, I began making noises like the ones you hear at the end of that Mr. Bungle song, where Mike Patton is taking a dump.
I think this was the first time in almost a year, that I had taken a shit at work. I may have actually documented the previous time, as well. in three years, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve taken a shit at work. I just wish I had my camera with me, so I could u/l it to ratemypoo.com. I’m happy to report my O-ring is still intact.
I went to see the Bruno movie last nite after work. but as a social experiment, I decided to wear my brand spanking new Xavier shirt. I had been waiting for the right conditions to wear it in public, before the grand unveiling takes place at Comic-Con on July 26.
it was a pretty successful outing. no one came up to me professing to be a Xavier fan. but I did get a few weird looks from several hot chicks inside the theater. which in my book, is equivalent to an angry handjob from a hot Asian chick in a Del Taco restroom.
oh yeah, and the movie was fuckin’ hilarious! I don’t give a fuck what the Washington Post sez b/c they don’t give any movie a good review.
and it only took me 3 years to prove once and for all, that I am the greatest camera salesman to ever set foot in a retail store, BELIEVE DAT! I got a 92% customer satisfaction rating, which is about what I was expecting. I mean, not everyone is smart enough to listen to me, and buy the cameras I tell them to. which is in itself a gawdamn shame b/c for some reason they always complain to me every time their Kodak craps out on them. what do you expect, when you’re only willing to spend $120 for a camera. NOT MUCH, BRAH!
two gals representing the new school of Ultimate Surrender hit the mat this week in a 2nd round match-up.
Tia Ling is coming off a victory against Sasha Lexing in the opening round, and has improved with each outing. Ami Emerson gets my vote for rookie of the year. she was 2-2 during the regular season, but further inspection of her record will show you why she will be one to watch in future seasons. her two losses were to Vendetta and Ariel X, not too shabby! and her two wins came against a pair of US veterans in Madison Young and Hollie Stevens.
this was a relatively low-scoring affair with Ami’s size advantage proving to be a difference maker, 199-54. Ami is really fuckin’ hot, esp. when she has her bangs in front of her face. as was the case when she was pounding Tia’s asshole with that strap-on in round 4. nice job, ladies! Ami advances to the 1/4 finals for a much anticipated rematch with Vendetta.
oh, and hey, speaking of anal fuck fests! they finally unveiled the trailer for the Royal Madness match. this is gonna be a six v six tag match that will end in an epic 12-girl gangbang. so far as I know, the teams consist of:
Ariel X (c) Alexa Von Tess, Trina Michaels, Hollie Stevens, Julie Night, and Tia Ling
vs.
Darling (c) Amber Rayne, Claire Dames, Madison Young, Annie Cruz, and Ami Emerson
at least 8 of the 12 women involved have been known to do anal before, so this is gonna be great no matter who wins. and if there’s double penetration involved, that’s even better. the shoot will be available exclusively via KinkOnDemand from August 1. you can expect my full report on this match shortly thereafter. and I’ll also try and work my sources for any additional info when I hit up the tag match on July 24.
I love this day b/c it gives me time to reflect on all the wonderful music King has given us over the years, whether it was with his solo band, or with Mercyful Fate. his heavenly falsetto is officially recognized as the 8th Wonder of the World. sure, Kiss were the first band to wear facepaint on stage, but King took it to a whole…’nutha…level! the first three King Diamond studio albums, Fatal Portrait, Abigail, and “Them” are fuckin’ crucial! Mercyful Fate’s Melissa album (released in 1983) helped pave the way for the Scandinavian black metal genre. and now for your viewing pleasure, here’s a rare interview King gave about his 1987 concept album Abigail
I think I accomplished everything I wanted to at Dewey Beach over the course of a 12-hour period, but I’m still not happy with the way it ended.
went to the beach. went to Starboard and was drunk by noon. had a lovely time with a cougar who reminded me of Sienna West. got in to an argument with someone b/c I requested a Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em song. and this is for all the white folks who pretend like they listen to hip-hop. I don’t listen to hip-hop, I don’t even listen to the radio. but when I’m requesting songs that you’ve never heard of, you got problems!
I went to this place called Bottle & Cork. saw a band that played nothing but covers. only thing worth mentioning is that Ween will be playing there on July 17.
so this isn’t exactly what I envisioned b/c due to an oversight, we had no hotel room for the rest of the weekend. cars threatened to be towed, no big whoop! oh yeah, and as soon as I arrived on Thursday nite, ran in to a lovely fellow who told me “I paid for all of this” and then shook my hand while he gave me a glare designed to make your bowels clench.
so I’m back in the DC area for the 4th, looking for folks to hang out with. undoubtedly, no one will, b/c everyone on facebook ignores me! just kidding, but yeah, very few ppl would actually hang out with me.
and then it’s off to Dewey Beach!
in a written statement released thru his agent, Percy “huepow” Handfisher stated he was looking forward to his 4th of July weekend, and that he was not yet looking ahead to the “Complete Rectal Shutdown” tour at the end of this month.
Handfisher also confirmed he would be back in time for King Diamond Appreciation Day (on the 7th) which will kick off the day before.
my blog turned one year old today, HOORAY! so we are going to do something special for this week’s Ultimate Surrender update.
first, we brought you the SOD tribute to Ariel X
next came the King Diamond tribute to Dia Zerva
today, the Frost has returned!!!
sung to the tune of Celtic Frost’s 1984 classic, “Into The Crypts Of Rays” we’ve reworked the lyrics, putting an Ultimate Surrender spin on it.
Claire Dames aka “The Juggernaut” vs. Wenona aka “The Gymnast” winner moves on to face Dia Zerva, loser goes home!!!
INTO THE CRYPTS OF DAMES
Claire Dames Had A Cunt
She Filled It Each And Every Night
With Instruments Of Carnal Pleasure
Causing Her Intense Delight
The Juggernaut, She Has Big Titties
Using Them To Smother Prey
Forcing Foes In To Submission
And Live To Fuck Another Day
OOOOHHH!!!
So This Is Summer Vengeance
Where Losers Get Fucked
Shivering Orgasms On The Mat
Probed With Fingers, Made To Cum
Watch Them Squirt Where They Lie
Hitachis and Strapons, Matt’s Dreams
Halfway Came True
UNNHHHH!!!
There Is The One They Call The Gymnast
Molested Victims In Her Wake
Wrapping Them In Vines Of Torment
None Of Whom Could Yet Escape
Wenona Worked Up Quite The Sweat
Propping Claire Against The Wall
She Thrust The Plastic Cock Inside Her
Anal Penetration Can Be Painful
HHHEEEEYYYY!!!
Claire Dames
Perverted One
Holes For Semen
Humped For No Ability…
this month’s tag match ended with an injury. Bella went down with a bad shoulder less than a minute in to round 3. Yana and Dia were ahead 705-592 at the time, so the end result was still up for grabs. propz to Hollie for going thru with round 4!
Bella, and man in stylish hat, can only watch as Dia and Yana prepare to sex up Hollie
