Summer Vengeance III – Week 5 – Wenona vs. Claire Dames

my blog turned one year old today, HOORAY! so we are going to do something special for this week’s Ultimate Surrender update.

first, we brought you the SOD tribute to Ariel X
next came the King Diamond tribute to Dia Zerva
today, the Frost has returned!!!

sung to the tune of Celtic Frost’s 1984 classic, “Into The Crypts Of Rays” we’ve reworked the lyrics, putting an Ultimate Surrender spin on it.

Claire Dames aka “The Juggernaut” vs. Wenona aka “The Gymnast” winner moves on to face Dia Zerva, loser goes home!!!

INTO THE CRYPTS OF DAMES
Claire Dames Had A Cunt
She Filled It Each And Every Night
With Instruments Of Carnal Pleasure
Causing Her Intense Delight

The Juggernaut, She Has Big Titties
Using Them To Smother Prey
Forcing Foes In To Submission
And Live To Fuck Another Day

OOOOHHH!!!

So This Is Summer Vengeance
Where Losers Get Fucked
Shivering Orgasms On The Mat
Probed With Fingers, Made To Cum
Watch Them Squirt Where They Lie
Hitachis and Strapons, Matt’s Dreams
Halfway Came True

UNNHHHH!!!

There Is The One They Call The Gymnast
Molested Victims In Her Wake
Wrapping Them In Vines Of Torment
None Of Whom Could Yet Escape

Wenona Worked Up Quite The Sweat
Propping Claire Against The Wall
She Thrust The Plastic Cock Inside Her
Anal Penetration Can Be Painful

HHHEEEEYYYY!!!

Claire Dames
Perverted One
Holes For Semen
Humped For No Ability…

INTO THE CRYPTS OF DAMES

Why Can’t We Just Take The Whole Fuckin’ Week Off?!?

Canada Day is July 1
Independence Day is July 4
King Diamond Appreciation Day is July 7
Bruno movie comes out July 10

this should be one of the most unproductive work weeks ever!

Ultimate Surrender 2.0 – Bella Injured; Hollie Double Teamed

this month’s tag match ended with an injury. Bella went down with a bad shoulder less than a minute in to round 3. Yana and Dia were ahead 705-592 at the time, so the end result was still up for grabs. propz to Hollie for going thru with round 4!

Bella, and man in stylish hat, can only watch as Dia and Yana prepare to sex up Hollie

Fuck Yo Social Networking Site In The Ass Until It Has A Perfect Donkey Asshole

“hey, it’s great to finally run in to you after all these years. how ya been?”

“good dude. you should call me sometime, here’s my #”

“I tried calling you, but it kicked me directly to your voicemail, which was full”

“oh yeah, no worries, my phone was turned off. gimme your # and I’ll call you”

still waiting…

“hey brah, did u read the script I sent ya?”

“yeah, yeah I did”

“and what did u think? any comedic gems in there?”

“it was pretty good, but it could use some work”

“so when I come out there, do you think you could help me work the kinks out, get a finished product by the time I head back.”

“oh jeez, I kinda have my own projects to work on. maybe X will help you with that.”

I could anally violate 12 Vietnamese prostitutes with my big, sweaty pile of aggravation and disallusionment.

Summer Vengeance III – Week 4 – Hollie Stevens vs. Yana Jordan

the first round concludes with an epic clash between the # 9 and 10 seeds in this year’s tournament.

Hollie Stevens, who represents the old guard of Ultimate Surrender. originally debuted in season 2; after a freak neck injury took her out of seasons 4 and 5, she compiled a 1-2 record in season 6. we always think of her as the star of Clown Porn, but she is also one of Matt’s fiercest competitors.

Yana Jordan represents the new class of Ultimate Surrender. she went 2-1 in her rookie season on the mat, holding wins over Coffee Brown and Amber Rayne; she also suffered a narrow defeat at the hands of fellow season 6 noob, Bella Rossi, by a mere 31 points.

while she possesses a solid ground attack, the knock on Yana’s game is that she often times struggles from the bottom position. this would turn out to be her downfall in what was easily, the most hotly-contested match of round 1. Hollie goes over 289-198, setting up a rematch of the “Lucifuge” match vs. the artist fka Seven from earlier this season.

Claire Dames returns to action next week vs. Wenona in what is sure to be a contrast in styles. just how many Celtic Frost references I’ll be able to fit in to that blogpost remains to be seen. Ladbrokes has set the early over/under at 3!

Hollie pays tribute to Xavier: Renegade Angel, by performing her own…Vibracaust

huepow: Renegade Neurotic – S1E08 – Escape From Artopian Freedom

ever have one of those days where you feel like you’re in an episode of Xavier: Renegade Angel? it happened to me on Saturday nite!

after a long day of peddling camera and camera accessories, I ventured in to SE DC, to Artomatic, to check out my friend’s band play! it was awesome b/c it was like an art building with 9 floors of art, and then they had a hall on the first floor for live music. upon arriving at the venue, I ran in to a lovely chap who said he was a starving artist from West Virginia, and asked me for a donation. I obliged b/c why not right? I had a pretty tits day at work, I had some cash to blow, I was craving an ice cold beer, and I was just happy to be doing something on a Saturday nite!

once inside the venue, I headed straight to the bar for a few amber lagers to whet my pallette. the concert area reminded me of the Xavier episode where Xavier ventures in to…

SQUA-TOPIA!!!

b/c it had some cool art

and some bean bag chairs to crash on.

“catch some ZZZZs if you please”

my friend’s band is called Monster Tail, but I didn’t realize who else was in the band until just a few minutes before they took the stage. they are a female vocalist with a drummer. I describe them as “Go-Go music for crackers” after their set was done, I spent the rest of the nite checking out various pieces of art on multiple floors of the gallery…

and searching for the man who stole my father’s crystaline necklace!

“the thief was riding a unicycle, did you see him?”

TO BE CONTINUED???

Father’s Day

certain days scald the soul with a searing ember…like Tuesdays, and today…the 11th anniversary of my father’s heart attack. each year I relive the events of that day:

“I’ll take a bacon-wrapped sausage funnel cake, please. Dad, do you want one? Dad, Dad? Don’t make this poor pathetic surgeon wait!!!”

“Every year with this guy!”

I’ve not known joy since my father was vivisected alive, coronaried from the capillaries of my heart. I shall never smile a-gain!

and now the comedic stylings of “Tourettes Guy” with special guest Wilford Brimley, as “Mall Santa” this is a clip from their Emmy Award-winning tribute to Father’s Day episode.

I Updated The Food Party Wikipedia Page Today

so now, instead of it saying “N/A” for original airdate for Food Party 02 “Cave Duck”, it says June 16, 2009. YEAH!!! you can thank me later! anyways, enough with the self-adulation. I watched the newest eps. of Squidbillies and Food Party, and here are some of my thoughts:

Squdibillies
Rusty wants to learn more about his family tree, but ends up hearing all about Granny’s sexual conquests over the years, instead; Early buys some bullet hole decals for his truck.

Food Party
Thu goes on an adventure, where she kills a bird. to appease the spirits, she must now use every part of the bird in a meal.

my analysis:
this has been a pretty good season of Squidbillies so far! the second episode of Food Party was not quite as good as #1, but I’ll keep watching, seeing as how there are only 4 more eps. left in the season.

The Most Fucked Up Pair Of Lips I’ve Ever Seen

I mean, seriously, what the fuck happened here? there’s nothing funny about it, this here is a gawdamn travesty! are you kidding me?!? I’ve heard of Tijuana colagen injections, but this is ricoculous!

Woman Who Kinda Looks Like Pam From The Office Seen Buying The Office On DVD

exciting shit, huh? I didn’t say anything b/c I learned my lesson from the last time when I told a woman she looked like Fairuza Balk. FAIRUZA BALK, UMMM OKAY!!! anywho, I sold her a Canon Rebel XSi (the official DSLR of folks who like to pretend to be photographers, like me!) I believe she also bought a 55-250mm lens, and an accessory bag whut done contained a spare battery and a lens filter…but who’s keeping track, am I right?