Unsuccessfully Coping With The Natural Beauty Of Having Your Friend Ejaculate On You While You’re Fucking His Sister In The Ass

March 17, 2014

Hooking Up (2009) cuts away all the sappy melodramatic parts of a teenage sex comedy, and replaces it with even more raunchy sex talk. when the opening lines revolve around a group of high school boys asking each other if they’ve ever tasted their own cum, you know you’ve got a cinema masterpiece. it’s like if Paul Finch was gettin’ butt from Stifler’s mom, and then Stifler bust in the room, and ejaculated on both of them.

all your favourite fetishes are explored to some extent in this movie: ANAL, auto-erotic asphyxiation, reverse cuckolding, gloryholes, vouyerism, seagulling, BARE FEET. despite the inclusion of veteran actors, Bronson Pinchot and Corey Feldman, the acting is subpar, the dialogue is juvenile, and at times non-sensical, and the production values are non-existent. Pinchot plays a high school chemistry teacher, who gets hit on by one of his students, who also happens to be the principal’s daughter. Corey Feldman (who was 37 at the time of production) playing a chauvinistic 25 year-old, who is dating a high school girl.

the three girls in this movie offer varying degrees of sexual promiscuity. one girl is a virgin, who loves performing oral on guys. her best friend is trying to bang Bronson Pinchot, and the third girl is a glutton for punishment. I should also mention there is a fourth girl, who appears sporadically throughout the movie, and is hilarious with her reax, during the library scenes.

on a side note, fans of the obscure hippie jam band, WEEN, might be interested to know, part of this movie was filmed in Bucks County, PA. don’t let the native rating of 2.8 on imdb fool you, this shit was so bad, it was good. take it for what it is: a late-night, straight to video, no-budget, raunchy sex comedy.
netflix: 5/5
imdb: 9/10

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Ultimate Surrender Europa League Preview

March 7, 2014

for the girls who won’t qualify for the granddaddy of all lesbian sexfight tournaments, Summer Vengeance, there is the Europa League. eight girls with relatively the same amount of experience (a handful of singles matches) have been drawn into a single-elimination bracket to determine the top rookie of season 11.

Daisy Ducati cut her teeth in last season’s tag league. she is 2-1 in singles competition, with a loss to the now former welterweight champion, Isamar Gutierrez, sandwiched around wins over Mia Li and Mona Wales.standing in her way, will be Micah Halili, who could pass for DragonLily’s twin sister. Micah won her first match over Ana Foxxx.

Alexa Aimes scored an impressive debut victory, when she upset Lyla Storm.  her 1/4 final opponent, Nikki Hearts, lost her only match in spectacular fashion, 1180-0, to Bella Rossi, in the most lopsided match of the season

Mia Li vs. Carissa Montgomery could prove to be the most competitive match-up of the 1/4 finals. both girls have muscular builds and booming tits. Mia is 0-2 with losses to Daisy and Holly Heart. Carissa lost her US debut to Bella Rossi. interesting to note, Carissa and Mia have the lowest combined point total of any of the 1/4 final matches, with 44 points from their 3 matches.

Ana Foxxx vs. Mona Wales could prove to be the most erotic match-up of the 1/4 finals. with both ladies sitting at 0-2 on the season, this will be another match where someone is guaranteed their first ever win. I expect it will be low-scoring, where the first one to 50 wins.

I’m taking Daisy vs. Ana and Mia vs. Alexa for the 1/2 final round. Daisy should be able to get past Ana by a margin of 75-100 points. Alexa and Mia were pretty evenly matched during their brief encounters in the recent tag team match. I’ll say Alexa wins by a margin of 50 or less.

the final should be a real slobberknocker. Daisy is my pick for rookie of the year, and Ariel X seems to think Alexa will go very far at US. no surprise that they are the top two seeds, and should meet in the final. Daisy will win by 25 points or less!

I believe every match has already been shot, and happy to report, it was injury-free.

last Friday, the showdown between Mistress Kara and Isamar Gutierrez, for Isamar’s welterweight title went live on the site. questions of whether Kara was ducking Isamar, as it relates to a rib injury that kept Kara out of action for the second half of 2013, were quickly put to rest. domination with a side of DP (with help from AX) for dessert. so the question now becomes, with word that Syd will not be competing in this year’s Summer Vengeance, and AX status yet to be confirmed, is it safe to assume Kara will pull the double? I honestly don’t believe anyone can beat Kara. maybe for this year’s Summer Vengeance they can do a round-robin between Kara, Isamar, Cheyenne Jewel, and Penny Barber.

Kara and Cheyenne have also been named captains for the upcoming tag season, and I’ll have more on that once the teams have been announced.

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Trent Reznor Takes Break From Making Shitty Music With Hot Filipino Wife, To Release Album People Actually Want To Listen To

September 2, 2013

a lot has happened since the last time Nine Inch Nails released new material. I attended an Ultimate Surrender match, I was kicked in the head by Jared Louche at a Chemlab show, and I had sex with a woman who once auditioned for a Ford Focus commercial.

if u were following NIN’s twitter feed a week ago, then u no doubt saw they were streaming the new album for free via itunes. after giving Hesitation Marks a few good listens, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say this is their best album since The Downward Spiral. there’s only three songs that aren’t quite up to par. “Came Back Haunted” and “Copy Of A” are the first two singles, and have been getting positive reviews from concertgoers on the current tour. “All Time Low” is my personal favourite, with it’s funky porno movie kinda beat. “I Would For You” is the customary NIN love ballad. “Satellite” is the song u might hear in the dancehalls, as it’s a catchy song that could be used to attract the casual fan who may only be familiar with “Closer” “Everything” is possibly the most upbeat NIN song they’ve ever released. I think it’s just about Trent’s trials and tribulations surviving in the music industry. “Running” is another good song, very simple with a catchy hook. it’s great to have Trent Reznor back on the landscape, as this year has provided plenty of good music from bands I enjoy. Hesitation Marks is a welcome addition, and should be considered a strong buy for anyone who considers themselves a NIN fan.

05 All Time Low 5/5
02 Copy Of A 5/5
11 I Would For You 5/5
09 Various Methods Of Escape 5/5
08 Satellite 5/5
04 Find My Way 4/5
03 Came Back Haunted 4/5
10 Running 4/5
07 Everything 3/5
13 While I’m Still Here 2/5
12 In Two 2/5
06 Disappointed 2/5

average song rating: 3.83
netflix: 4/5
imdb: 7.5/10

tracks 1 and 14 were omitted from this list, as they are intro and outro. track 1 isn’t really much of a song, and track 14 is just a continuation of the previous track.

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The Comedy (2012)

August 21, 2013

Tim Heidecker stars as a thirty-something chomsky honk, who lives on a boat, and fucks around with his friends, irritating those outside of the group, in the process. he is waiting for his elderly father to kick the bucket, so he can collect the inheritance. this movie is basically Kids, if Telly was in his 30s. it’s supposed to be a drama, but it’s Tim & Eric. you’re either going to love it or hate it. I enjoyed it, but there were a coupla WTF moments and scenes that were incredibly slow. the opening bit about prolapsed anuses was pretty funny. Eric Wareheim and Neil Hamburger are also in it.

imdb rating: 6.1
my rating: 7.8

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Whipped Ass 2012: Scenes #11-15

August 8, 2013

week 5 of our continuing countdown of every Whipped Ass scene from 2012. criteria is as follows:
1) strapons (anal is always a bonus)
2) flow of the action
3) overall appeal of the models

15. Penny Pax (Felony) – March 30 – this was the second (and the highest-charting) of three shoots where Penny subbed. Felony incorporates heavy corporal punishment, foot and nipple torture, pussy smothering, and a deep hard anal fucking thrown in for good measure.

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14. Calico (Maitresse Madeline, Skin Diamond) – July 27 – Calico returns for the first time in over a year, to endure tight bondage, fisting, spanking, and her first ever double penetration.

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13. Naidyne (Aiden Starr) – June 1 – Naidyne is a 19 year-old cutie making her first ever porn! other notable firsts include her first time doing BDSM, first time getting fucked with a strap-on, and her first time with a woman.

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12. Lorelei Lee (Francesca Le) – July 13 – Lorelei lives out her fantasy of being dominated by uber-MILF, Francesca, in this roleplay update. a girls night out of cocktails and ouija turns into a hot lesbian BDSM session featuring spanking, ropeplay, and strapon assfucking.

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11. Obedient Whores (Brandy Aniston, Bryn Blayne; Felony) – September 28 – Felony has her way with two subs (who could pass for sisters) she uses caning, flogging, and hot wax on them. Felony strapon fucks Brandy in the ass, while Brandy fucks Bryn in the ass with a face dildo.

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the countdown rages on next week with scenes 6-10…

Trent Reznor Promises Vocals Will Be 15% Whinier On New NIN Album

August 7, 2013

I like Nine Inch Nails, but I haven’t paid much attention to them in about eight years. last month, they performed for the first time in nearly four years. reviews of the shows have been overwhelmingly positive, and I’ve been able to find them, in their entirety, on youtube. it sure beats looking for a job! they are gearing up for a world tour, and a new album drops on September 3. the first single, Came Back Haunted, is pretty good, and I’m debating whether to see them when they come around my neck of the woods in October. tix are a bit pricey (the cheapest seat is $50) I’ll go if I can find at least one other person who’s interested. Verizon Center is a great place to watch hockey, but the handful of times I’ve been there for shows, I’ve come away disappointed. look for a full review of the new album, Hesitation Marks, sometime next month. if u suffer from epilepsy, u may want to avoid watching the video.

Los Hombres Que Miran Fijamente A Las Cabras (2009)

August 6, 2013

Ewan McGregor is Bob Wilton. a journalist who takes a job following a government psyops agent around Iraq.
Jeff Bridges is Bill Django. a Vietnam vet, who gets shot, and returns home, to start the New Earth Army.
George Clooney is Lynn Cassady, the top recruit in Django’s army of psychic warriors.
Kevin Spacey is Larry Hooper, the antagonist and Clooney’s fellow warrior, who is jealous of his psychic powers.
Stephen Root, Robert Patrick, and Nick Offerman have bit roles.

Jeff Bridges is the only actor, of the main four, that I like. from the previews, it looked like this was a comedy. the funny parts were few and far between. I found it extremely confusing. I couldn’t tell whether Clooney’s character was being serious about his psychic abilities, or just fucking with McGregor. I didn’t care much for the ending, and in general, watching this movie was a waste of time. maybe if you’re a hardcore conspiracy theorist, u would enjoy this. the native rating on imdb is 6.3, but that’s being generous.

MORAL OF THE STORY: TAKE DRUGS, NOT WAR

netflix: 2/5
imdb: 4.2/10

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Some Shows I Watched

August 5, 2013

High School USA!
the students are studying for the SATs. Cassandra pretends to be Native American. Blackstein pretends to be gay. 1/5

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Axe Cop
Axe Cop hosts a 4th of July BBQ, and tells the story of his great-great-great-great grandfather who fought the King of England for possession of the Secret Attack Almanac during the Revolutionary War. 2/5

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NTSF:SD:SUV
the President of the Navy (Rob Riggle) is the target of an assassination plot at the commencement ceremony. it’s up to Edroid (Ed Helms) to stop it. 4/5

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Childrens Hospital
during a day of sightseeing, Blake’s son is witness to a mob murder. Officer Briggs returns with a new partner, played by Jaleel White. 5/5

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new seasons of Squidbillies and Aqua Teen Hunger Force start this coming Sunday!

Big Ass Concert Weekend Recap: Black Sabbath and the Melvins

August 4, 2013

BLACK SABBATH – AUGUST 2 – JIFFY LUBE LIVE
I was on the fence about going to see Black Sabbath, but a friend of mine referred to it as “a once in a lifetime opportunity”, so I was like, let’s do this! it’s the original line-up (minus Bill Ward on drums) Ozzy’s drummer, Tommy Clufetos is filling in on this tour. in the pantheon of legendary rock acts, Black Sabbath is just as important and influential as the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. after seeing the show, it baffles me that ppl were throwing in the towel on these guys, after the release of 13. yes, Ozzy’s voice isn’t what it once was, but what he lacks in vocal range, he more than makes up for with his boundless energy and stage presence. Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler are still as badass as ever, expertly noodling their way thru all the classics. the setlist had four songs from the latest album, and thirteen more tunes from the classic Ozzy era of the 70s. Paranoid lead the way with five songs (including gems like “War Pigs” “Iron Man” and the title track) my only minor gripe is that they didn’t play anything off my personal favourite, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath. I’d put this on my list of top 5 shows I’ve seen, and right on par with if I was seeing Paul McCartney play every Beatles hit on his current tour.

War Pigs -> Into The Void -> Under The Sun/Every Day Comes and Goes -> Snowblind -> Age of Reason -> Black Sabbath -> Behind the Wall of Sleep -> N.I.B. -> End of the Beginning -> Fairies Wear Boots -> Methademic -> Rat Salad -> Iron Man -> God Is Dead? -> Dirty Women -> Children of the Grave -> Paranoid

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Andrew WK was more of a hype man, than an actual opening act. his “set” consisted of playing old school metal from bands like Slayer, Metallica, among others, off his ipod. if nothing else, at least we know he’s got good taste in music. my friend turned to me and said jokingly “you coulda opened for Sabbath!” and I replied “yes, but I would’ve played Ministry’s ‘Work For Love’ on a continuous loop for 45 minutes, or until they kicked me off stage, whichever came first.”

MELVINS – AUGUST 3 – 9:30 CLUB
seeing as how I know absolutely nothing about music, I was always intrigued by the idea of a band with two drummers. last nite’s Melvins show gave me ample opportunity to observe the two-drummer dichotomy play out between Dale Crover and Coady Willis (also of sludge metal band, Big Business). so precise and in unison, that I would spend entire songs watching them play, waiting for that one moment they would be ever so slightly out of sync, but they never were. I was particularly impressed with their drumming on “Evil New War God” thru the many iterations of the Melvins, Dale and lead singer/guitarist Buzz Osborne have remained constants. they’ve been able to deftly move between genres from punk to sludge to experimental, over the course of their 30-year career. Houdini (released in 1993, and co-produced by Kurt Cobain) was their major label debut, and had the most representation in the setlist, with three songs. my personal favourites were the groovetastic, “Let It All Be” and the uber-sludgy, “Night Goat” from the opening droning riff of “Hag Me” to the bitchin’ cover of Butthole Surfers “Graveyard” which closed the show, King Buzzo & Co. were on point. JD Pinkus, of said Surfers, replaced Jared Warren on bass, who is at home on paternity leave. Pinkus side-project, Honky, was the opening act, but I didn’t get to the venue until the last 1.5 songs of their set.

Hag Me -> The War On Wisdom -> We Are Doomed -> Sweet Willy Rollbar -> A Growing Disgust -> Let It All Be -> Your Blessened -> Night Goat -> Lizzy -> Billy Fish -> The Water Glass -> Evil New War God -> Hung Bunny -> Roman Dog Bird -> Graveyard (Butthole Surfers cover)

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needless to say, both shows get a 5/5

Summer Vengeance VII – Week 7 – Darling Advances; Team Nightmare Wins Tag Titles

August 3, 2013

Bella Wilde was an absolute pleasure to watch on the mats in season 11, and is a favourite for rookie of the year. her undefeated run in singles competition comes to a grinding halt against Darling. Darling is the longest-tenured wrestler on the active roster, and the only woman to compete in all seven Summer Vengeance tournaments. she enters this year’s tournament ranked 6th, coming off another undefeated regular season. she is a sure-fire hall-of-famer, and arguably the best wrestler to have never won Summer Vengeance. this match was over from the getgo, as Darling was unrelenting, punishing Bella with multiple submission holds, including backbreakers and chokeholds. Darling has certainly kicked it up a notch, and hopefully she can carry it over to her showdown with Isamar in the 1/4 finals. the second round concludes next week with an epic clash between budding rivals Bella Rossi and Penny Barber.

the tag team season finale was last nite. the Goddess of Sodomy returned in a co-refereee role. Team Nightmare had a 412 point lead heading into the match, which proved to be too wide of a margin for Team Dragon to come back from. Syd was out of the country, but her hand-picked replacement, Jayogen, who trains with Syd, picked up the slack. Mistress Kara was unable to compete for Team Dragon, and was replaced by Sophia Fiore. congratulations to Syd for captaining her team to the tag titles, and thus becoming the fourth woman to capture the triple crown of Ultimate Surrender. no word on how the new tag season will play out, but I would prefer to see it go back to the old format of five or six teams of two.

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