Let’s Rank The Type O Negative Discography

March 2, 2015

hard to believe it’s already been almost 5 years since the pride and joy of Bensonhoist, Peter Steele, passed away at the age of 48. in the pantheon of dead musicians, none has hit me harder. I was fortunate enough to see Type O Negative three times, and there was nothing like it. Pete was a towering individual (standing approx. 6.5 feet tall) with a commanding stage presence, and deep baritone vocals that captivated the entire audience. but behind that, was a man who at one time struggled with his own demons including drug abuse, and was also known to be a bit of a recluse. at one show I was at, he coped with his social anxiety by nursing a bottle of wine in between songs. his self-deprecating sense of humour was the stuff of legend. so without further ado, here’s my retrospective of the TON discography:

07 – SLOW, DEEP, and HARD (1991)

a concept album based on Peter’s real-life experience with a cheating girlfriend, and his revenge fantasy of carrying out a murder/suicide. an incredibly raw album that sounds more like his previous band, Carnivore.

06 – LIFE IS KILLING ME (2003)

this is the poppiest-sounding album in the TON discography. I Don’t Wanna Be Me was a minor commercial hit, and We Were Electrocute was featured on the Freddy vs. Jason soundtrack. overall, it’s a pretty decent album, just not one of their better ones.

05 – ORIGIN of the FECES (1992)

the backlash was so strong following “Slow, Deep, and Hard” that the band decided to showcase their softer, comedic side, by releasing a “live” album featuring reworked versions of songs off SD&H. this is a studio album whereby the band used only one mic for the recording, and piped in street noise to simulate a live audience. the banter Peter comes up with is creative genius. from chastizing the crowd for spending money to see them play, to an audience member bleeding on-stage, and there’s even a bomb scare thrown in for good measure. to this day, I still love quoting this album.

04 – DEAD AGAIN (2007)

Dead Again was their seventh and final studio album. it was maybe the most introspective album Peter ever wrote, with songs focusing on his spiritual side, and dealing with topics such as religion, abortion, and remorse. perhaps, he knew his time was running short and he wanted to say his proper good byes to the fans.

03 – BLOODY KISSES (1993)

the album that became an instant classic in the goth genre. Black No. 1, and Christian Woman were staples in their setlists right thru to their final shows in 2009. deeper cuts like the title track and Too Late: Frozen are my personal favourites, and they do a great, much slower version of Summer Breeze by Seals & Crofts.

02 – WORLD COMING DOWN (1999)

World Coming Down is TON’s heaviest and most depressing album. the interludes chronicle Peter’s interpretation of the ways the band members would die (Liver = alcohol abuse; Lung = cancer; Sinus = OD) there’s also a medley of Beatles covers thrown in for good measure. White Slavery and Who Will Save the Sane are my personal favourites.

01 – OCTOBER RUST (1996)

I didn’t really like October Rust at first, but the more I listened to it, the more I grew to love it. the band is also in a pretty jovial mood, as witnessed by their joke at the beginning of the album. it represents the band at their artistic peak. production-wise, songwriting, all the elements are there. badass Neil Young cover (Cinnamon Girl), check! radio-friendly hit (My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend), check! in spite of every other song clocking in at 5+ minutes, there’s not a single one that feels like it drags at any point. the whole album is phenomenal, but I’d say Red Water and Wolf Moon are the cream of the crop.

October Rust

Peter_Steele_Son_Of_Vinland_by_VoodooHammer

Local Man Begrudgingly Agrees To Watch Mike Tyson Mysteries

February 23, 2015

due to inclement weather last weekend, I was unable to attend my friend’s birthday party. they had a smaller gathering on Friday nite, which consisted exclusively of watching shows.

Venture Bros. – I’ve only seen a handful of eps, so I’m not familiar with characters or storylines. this particular episode dealt with the commandeering of a space station.

Mr. Pickles – after a night of heavy drinking (facilitated by Mr. Pickles), Grandpa wakes up to find himself hitched to Crazy Linda, and goes about trying to annul the marriage. Tommy enlists the help of the local mutants, as he tries to become a wrestler.

we watched two eps. of Adventure Time. in the first one, Finn enlists in the ant army in exchange for some dental work. the dentist sounded like Lucy Lawless, but she didn’t appear in the credits. further research on imdb confirmed it was her tho. maybe she was omitted from the show credits due to some SAG Union technicality. the other episode was Finn and Jake-free, as the plot centered around the Flame Princess enlisting the help of Princess Bubblegum, to figure out why her kingdom is cooling down. there’s a thinly-veiled commentary about the US involvement in the Middle East, if you read between the lines.

we watched three eps. of the Eric Andre Show. this is the best thing on television, hands down!

Hannibal checks Jimmy Kimmel for lice; Tyler, the Creator, rocks out to 3-11. Tyler’s father also makes a surprise appearance. Health performs while cooking health food. 3-11 was a callback from earlier in the episode, when someone hijacked Eric’s monologue claiming 9-11 was an inside job. this made me think of the old Neil Hamburger joke “what’s worse than 9-11? 3-11!”

everyone gets their own understudy, including guest, Pauly D. Andy Samberg plays Eric’s. Eric and Hannibal take turns beating up Rick Springfield. Paul Wall reads excerpts from James and the Giant Peach

Bird Up! is shown to a focus group. Chris Rock makes a cameo appearance. Hannibal promotes Snail Down. as has been the custom with previous season finales, this episode was a bit more chaotic than usual.

there were some hilarious “man on the street” bits which delicately blurred the line between scripted and organic including a woman tripping down the stairs while Eric is arguing with a woman he has stuffed inside a suitcase. a woman is so freaked out by Bird Up! that she leaves her toddler daughter behind. Eric is confronted by a scorned ex-lover in a diner, and after hurling several obscenities at him, she dumps a bag of her own feces on him. there’s also a segment where Eric impersonates a postal worker on the subway, and one where Eric and Hannibal (dressed as a cop) destroy a police car. I’m sure they’ve got a shitload of footage from these shoots that will never make the air, but I’d love to see what they had to leave out.

I had to leave during an episode of Mike Tyson Mysteries. I saw a billboard for this show on the subway a few weeks ago. it’s got that 70s animation style to it with a Scooby-Doo vibe. plus, it’s got Norm McDonald as the voice of an alcoholic pigeon. definitely worth checking out!

Hot Tub Time Machine 2 has gotten some abysmal reviews. the lack of John Cusack sounds like a dealbreaker. I liked the first one, so maybe I’ll give it a go when it hits netflix. a coupla friends of mine saw it, and didn’t seem to care for it, but their seats were recliners, so at least they were comfortable.

I like Jon Benjamin! I like Archer, I liked his turn as Master Shake on the live action Aqua Teen. hell, I even liked Jon Benjamin Has A Van. but, I draw the line at Bob’s Burgers. I realize part of his schtick is his dry monotone delivery, but it just doesn’t work on this show. the kids are annoying (I also like Kristen Schaal and Eugene Mirman) and the wife’s voice is grating after a few minutes. on top of that, I don’t find any of the storylines particularly interesting, either. other than FOX’s proclivity toward animated shows, I don’t know why this show is still on the air. I’m done with my rant. until next time, inferwebz…

vlcsnap-2015-02-22-14h28m29s155

Sunday Night Raw

February 22, 2015

five weeks out from WrestleMania, WWE makes a pit stop in the King’s hometown of Memphis, for Fastlane. after months of buildup, Triple H and Sting will finally have their first ever face-to-face meeting inside a WWE ring, to set up their Mania match, and possibly also exchange good housekeeping tips. could it be, that the best part of the “pay per view” occurs on the pre-show when Paul Heyman makes an appearance on Miz TV? any time Paul has a mic, it’s always best for business! here’s a look at the rest of the card:

Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan – it appears as tho for the second year in a row, the IWC has hijacked the main event at Mania, and Vinman will insert DB into another triple threat match for the title. I doubt Brock will make an appearance during the match, but this will probably end in a double countout.

Rusev d. John Cena – there were those backstage that were concerned with the labeling of John Cena as “the old veteran” but technically it’s true. he’ll be 38 in a coupla months, he’s been on the main roster since 2002, and the face of the company for almost a decade. this is sure to be a rematch at Mania, where the golden shovel will triumph over “the Evil Empire”

Usos d. Cesaro & Kidd – tag teams are clearly an afterthought as witnessed by Reigns and Bryan running roughshod thru the entire division a coupla weeks ago on Smackdown. sadly, The Ascension are being groomed as the next tag champs, so I see the Usos retaining.

Stardust d. Goldust – too bad they didn’t save this match for Mania, but if this is indeed the blowoff to the feud, hopefully it means Stardust will go back to being Cody Rhodes.

Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, and Erick Rowan d. Seth Rollins, Big Show, and Kane – Seth Rollins has the world by the balls! he’s Mr. Money in the Bank, his fiance posted pics of his junk online, and he’s involved in a “twittah war” with Jon Stewart. how did he get involved in this throwaway six-man tag match?!? will there be a Randy Orton sighting here? Dolph pins Kane

Bad New Barrett d. Dean Ambrose – after weeks of politicking, harassing, etc. Dean gets his IC title shot against Barrett. BNB hasn’t exactly looked that strong since winning the belt from Dolph Ziggler on the first Raw of 2015. the Mania rematch quotient is high in this one.

Nikki Bella d. Paige – it’s been a while, but WWE finally has another halfway decent divas feud on their hands. Nikki has become the division’s best heel, and should pick up the win here. Paige continues to give chase, heading into Mania.

lana4

FACK THE JOHN CENA!!!

Kleenex, Hand Lotion, In Short Supply Following Release of DOA 5: Last Round

February 19, 2015

do you like arcade fighters? do you like women with tits the size of Ethiopia? are you looking for an alternative to Viagra? well, then you my friend, are ready to get balls deep in Dead or Alive 5: Last Round. yes, in this current transitional era of gaming, where gamers are slowly migrating from PS3/XBOX 360 to PS4/XBOX ONE, game companies are quick to milk every last dime out of their most profitable franchises. for Tecmo, it’s pretty much Ninja Gaiden, Dynasty Warriors, and Dead or Alive. they also gave us the cult classic, Deception series.

Dead or Alive 5 originally debuted on the PS3/XBOX 360 in September 2012, followed by Ultimate one year later for those same consoles. Last Round is the first in the trilogy to land on next-gen consoles. it boasts a roster of 34 characters (including 2 new ones)

Honoka – an 18 year-old Japanese schoolgirl who borrows other fighters moves, and likes to assume the doggystyle position after she is defeated.

Raidou – Ayane’s biological father, who was killed by Kasumi in the first DOA tournament. he returns as a cyborg, with no knowledge of the past.

this is just like Ultimate, with the DLC already included. there are 200 costumes available at the start, and you can unlock others via gameplay. for the most hardcore of fanboys, there are even more costumes you can buy, including a bundle worth the price of a 1-year subscription to ZZ (approx. $92) there are also movies you can purchase of the ladies of DOA frolicking in skimpy swimsuits.

the story mode is approx. 3 hours long (including cut scenes) this is like an interactive Skinemax flick. you play through as various characters with interlocking storylines. one part of the story involves fighters competing in the DOA tournament. the other part centers around the series main protagonist, Kasumi, searching for her clone. it’s fairly ridiculous, and I’ll probably never play story mode again, but there were a few genuinely funny moments. the cool thing is you can go back and watch the cut scenes you’ve unlocked.

I was never really a fan of the series, as I was already playing Mortal Kombat, Tekken, and Street Fighter, when this series got started. this is the first DOA game to appear on a Sony console since DOA 2 in 2000. full disclosure: I bought this game b/c I have a fetish for Asian women, even if they are in digital form. another factor is I was gonna buy The Order: 1886 instead, but it looks like it didn’t live up to the hype (ie not worth $60)

if nothing else, story mode got me acclimated to some of the characters movesets. I’ve spent a decent amount of time in training mode, trying to master a handful of characters. I’ve been playing arcade mode (in both solo and tag modes) and I’ve barely scratched the surface in terms of learning their moves. make no mistake about it, online play is the meat-and-potatoes of this game, but I can’t use it, b/c I’m not a PS Plus member…yet. other game modes include spectator, where aspiring porn directors can watch their favourite fighters duke it out, and capture photos of them in various suggestive positions.

on a side note, while trolling the message boards, I came across the term “gainaxing” which refers to animated breasts that jiggle independently of one another. DOA is the first series I know of that had these sort of physics, and I’m sure the developers were frothing at the mouth to try them out on the new hardware. Xavier only knows what they have planned for DOA 6, which is rumoured to be out sometime next year.

in spite of the hyper-sexualization of the female characters, this is a solid fighting game with excellent gameplay mechanics. there’s a lot of stuff to unlock thru the various modes, that you don’t hafta pay for. if you’ve already got either DOA 5 or Ultimate, then there’s really no need to pick this one up, unless you just wanna ogle the women and the new “soft skin” dynamic on the next-gen consoles.

netflix: 4/5

imdb: 8/10

Ultimate Surrender PC mod coming soon!

Ultimate Surrender PC mod coming soon!

PSN Flash Sale Yields Rayman Legends For $10

February 15, 2015

I was perusing the PS4 boards over on ye olde IGN, when I read Playstation Store is holding a flash sale this weekend. I was really hoping either GTA V or Dragon Age: Inquisition would be 50% off, but to no avail. I did however pick up Rayman Legends for $10 (75% off the regular price of $40) platformers aren’t my cup of tea, and I hadn’t played a Rayman game since Hoodlum Havoc for the GameCube in 2003. everything I read about the game was nothing but praise. I’ve put in approx. 6 hours so far, and I already feel like I’ve gotten more than my money’s worth.

Rayman is awoken from his 100-year slumber to find that his universe has been taken over by the Bubble Master’s nightmares. it’s up to Rayman and a bevy of friends to rescue all 700 Teensies, who are being held hostage, across 5 different worlds. there are approx. 1 million Lums to collect, which will unlock characters at certain milestones. depending on how many you collect from each stage, you are awarded with Bronze, Silver, or Gold Cups. stages can be unlocked once you’ve saved a specific amount of Teensies. there are also 10 princesses to save, which can then be used as playable characters. you can also earn lottery tickets which can bring bonus items such as creatures, extra Lums, and stages from Rayman Origins.

the levels are complex and very well thought out, and for someone like me, who isn’t great at these types of games, can lead you to drop the occasional “F-bomb” it’s a game that’s easy to pick up, but incredibly difficult to master. one hit, and you’re done, tho I hear they’ve placed more checkpoints in the game, than previous iterations. it seems like they only give you extra health right before you reach a particularly difficult portion of the stage. you hafta complete each stage to get full credit, and sometimes there are 3 or 4 parts. aborting a run will negate any progress made up to that point. there were several stages I spent nearly 10 minutes trying to complete, but the satisfaction you get from finishing it is right on par with blowing a huge load in Dani Daniels ass. there are a few stages that are geared toward 2 player co-op, but aren’t required. but yeah, it’s definitely the preferred way to play. plenty of times I would be focused on what Rayman was doing, that I forgot about Murfy (my assistant) causing me to drop the aforementioned “F-bomb”

this is a game you could easily get lost for hours playing, with an insane amount of depth, and so much to explore and unlock. fans of the series have no doubt already put countless hours into this title, and the consensus is that this is the best Rayman game to date. this is the best platformer I’ve played since Super Mario World on the SNES. if you’re a fan of the genre, and own a PS4, this game is a must buy! (esp. at the current sale price)

netflix: 5/5

imdb: 10/10

P.S.- yes, I am aware of all the shit gamers have given Ubisoft following the debacles that were Watch Dogs and Assassin’s Creed: Unity

RUN LIKE HELL!

State O’ Da PS4: One Moron’s Journey, Part, The 1st

February 8, 2015

it was December 14, 2013 when my PS3 kicked the bucket. I clearly remember watching a Brazzers scene (ZZ Got Back) when it abruptly cut off, and the power button turned from green to an ominous yellow. up until that point, I had been quite enjoying my PS3, and in particular, playing NHL 14.

after many months of hemming and hawing, I took the plunge, and upgraded to a PS4 in September 2014. you could call me a Sony fanboy, I’ve owned every one of their consoles (some even multiple times) since buying my first PSX in October 1998. I’ve never been a fan of XBOX mostly b/c everyone else I know already owns one, and I jumped off the Nintendo bandwagon, after the fiasco that was the GameCube.

the first three games I bought were Diablo III, The Last of Us, and Madden 15:

Diablo III – first time I had played a Diablo game since the second one for PC, in 2000. this was one I was hesitant about buying, but the clerk assured me that “even the worst Diablo player eventually reaches Level 80.” SOLD! I heard they a lot of PC gamers complain that they dumbed down the controls for consoles in order to sell more copies, and I see their point. I  put in about 50-60 hours, and ended up essentially playing thru twice, b/c I was nowhere near ready for the final boss fight, having skipped over the vast majority of side quests. when it was all said and done, I retired my Demon Hunter at Level 80, Paragon 20. Paragons are simply an extension of your character’s ability to upgrade, once they’ve reached the cap.

Madden 15 – I really had no intention of buying this game, but EA did such an unforgivably shitty job with NHL 15, that I went wth Madden, having not bought an installment in 4 years. yep, it’s football, not much you can do to change the core mechanics. the AI is better, but still not much of a challenge. I played MUT for the first time ever, and that was addictive. I won my fair share of games online, forced a rage quit here and there, and even rage quit myself a handful of times. as someone who used to collect baseball cards many moons ago, I caved and spent a coupla bucks on some of their promotional packs. when XBOX Live Marketplace and Playstation Network went down for a few days on the Christmas week, that effectively killed my interest in the game. I think my team finished with an overall 89, and the best card I was able to pull was the “Most Feared” Polamalu, who is a 90.

The Last of Us – a cross-country journey across post-apocalyptic America, filled with a requisite amount of zombies, and other mutated enemies. originally released for PS3 in June 2013, winner of multiple game of the year awards. Sony deftly followed it up with a remastered version for PS4 in July 2014, which included the PS3 DLC “Left Behind” a single-player campaign centering around Elle and her friend, Riley. it also contains commentary from the developers and cast. this game reminded me of another PS3 game I loved “Heavy Rain” in that you are essentially playing thru a movie. played mostly on rails, dialogue, puzzle-solving, and extended periods with little or no combat. I reckon I put in somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 hours (I haven’t played Left Behind) best game I’ve played so far on the system.

255287-8250226225_06d1deccdf_o

in my next PS4 update, I’ll share my thoughts on the apps and functions (or lack thereof)

Let’s Rank Ministry’s Catalogue

February 1, 2015

Chicago Blackhawks fan, one of the forefathers of the Industrial scene, and a staunch Republican, Al Jourgensen has closed the books on Ministry. the announcement came shortly after the passing of longtime guitarist, Mike Scaccia, in December 2012. altho there will be no more new material released, Al will take the band out on tour again, beginning in Australia at the Soundwave Festival in February. what better time than the present to rank, rate, and review all of their studio albums, while pondering whether it’s worth the $60 asking price for tickets to the show.

1 STAR

13. RELAPSE (2012) – if there’s one thing Eminem has taught us, it’s that albums titled RELAPSE are usually terrible. Ministry’s effort in this category is no different. the lead track “Ghouldiggers” has promise, but gets weighed down midsong by audio of Al getting the run-around from a record company executive. even the obligatory cover song (SOD’s “United Forces”), which has usually been pretty good on previous albums, is lacking. the closer, “Bloodlust”, is the best track, if only b/c I like the CSNY harmonies in the chorus.

2 STARS

12. TWITCH (1986) - this was the transitional album that showcased a darker side of the band and served as a prelude of what was to come, while still maintaining the “pop sensibilities” of it’s predecessor. choice track: We Believe

11. DARK SIDE OF THE SPOON (1999) - the cover alone is enough to make you hesitant about giving this a listen. “Bad Blood” is the most Ministry-sounding track of the lot, and was featured on THE MATRIX soundtrack. other than the lead track, “Supermanic Soul” it’s pretty much hit or (mostly) miss.

10. FROM BEER TO ETERNITY (2013) - did Al really say that this was the best Ministry album? it’s ok, but with no Bush in office, Al resorts to singing about Fox News and whatever else happened to be pissing him off at the moment, like folks not voting.

09. THE LAST SUCKER (2007) - there’s only so many songs you can write about how much George W. Bush sucks, before it becomes old hat. the trilogy closer is a chore to get thru. yes, we get it, Bush is descended from reptilian shape-shifters, Cheney is the anti-Christ, and Alex Jones still has this album in his heavy rotation.

3 STARS

08. WITH SYMPATHY (1983) - perhaps if this had been released by Pet Shop Boys or Depeche Mode, it might’ve received better praise, but we all know of Al’s legendary hatred for this album. I found a brand spanking new copy at Amoeba Records back when I lived in LA. it’s remastered with bonus tracks, and sounds FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! I may be the only person on the planet with a “Work For Love” ringtone.

07. THE LAND OF RAPE AND HONEY (1988) - remember when I boldly proclaimed this was one of the best Ministry albums? yeah, this hasn’t really held up all that well over the years. the lead track, “Stigmata” and the title track are great, but everything else is fairly simple and somewhat repetitive.

06. RIO GRANDE BLOOD (2006) - act II of the anti-Bush trilogy. the first half of the album is better than the latter. you get guest appearances by Sgt. Major (Gangreen), Jello Biafra (Ass Clown), and Liz Constantine (Khyber Pass) the best song on the album is the Dethklok-esque “Fear (Is Big Business)”

4 STARS

05. FILTH PIG (1996) - my favourite Ministry album cover, as the orange hue around the guy’s head, reminds me of Conan O’Brien (is that strange?) their Bob Dylan cover (Lay Lady Lay) is top notch, as is the title track. sometimes I just like to crank “Useless” up to 11, and let the bassline crash over me.

04. ANIMOSITISOMINA (2003) - this might be the most underrated Ministry album. there wasn’t too much in the way of filler. “The Light Pours Out of Me” is my favourite Ministry cover song. “Broken” is my favourite track on the album, as you can hear the Al Jourgensen vocals of the WITH SYMPATHY era, we all know and love.

5 STARS

03. PSALM 69 (1992) - the height of Ministry’s popularity, which lead to a string of videos on MTV, their only platinum album to date, and a headlining gig on Lollapallooza. “NWO” and “Just One Fix” were the calling cards, but it’s deeper cuts like “Jesus Built My Hotrod” (featuring Gibby Haynes of the Butthole Surfers) and “Scarecrow” that are the real standouts.

02. HOUSES OF THE MOLE (2004) – the most metal album in the discography, it was the first (and best) in the anti-Bush trilogy. successfully blending elements of thrash (Warp City) and black metal (WTV) with Ministry’s trademark industrial sound. my personal favourite is “World” which sounds like a modern day update to Genesis “Land of Confusion”

01. THE MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO TASTE (1989) - from beginning to end, a thoroughly enjoyable listen. MIND runs the gamut from industrial (Thieves) to ambient (Dream Song) to rap/rock (Test) the one complaint I hear is that the album is diluted due to Al working with so many guest collaborators (Ogre and Chris Connelly, among others) but I find this to be a strength. the spooky ambiance of the droning horns, the crow calls, the menacing bassline, and Connelly’s wailing vocals, “The Cannibal Song” will make you feel as tho you’ve stumbled into the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

Roman Reigns In Blood at the Rectal Rumble

January 25, 2015

this Sunday marks the 28th annual WWE Royal Rumble pay per view, emanating live and direct from Philadelphia. a year ago, the Pittsburgh crowd took a huge, steaming dump all over the event. the IWC darling, Daniel Bryan, lost clean to Bray Wyatt in the show opener (in what proved to be the match of the nite) Brock Lesnar beat the shit out of Big Show, before the bell even rang. the crowd was treated to Cena vs. Orton for the WWE title for the 4027th time. and when Rey Mysterio came out #30 in the Rumble match, that’s when the crowd went from hostile to downright volatile.

there was no Bryan, and Vinman’s proclamation of the returning Batista winning the Rumble had been set in motion. I like Batista b/c he’s a DC guy, and it’s nice to see that he’s established himself in Hollywood after wrasslin. while certainly not on the level as the Rock, he was quite good in Guardians of the Galaxy, and he continues to book steady work, but I digress. Roman Reigns set the new mark for most eliminations in a Rumble with 12 (breaking Kane’s previous record of 11 set in 2001) before he was lastly eliminated by Batista.

this would also end up being CM Punk’s final appearance, as he abruptly left the company after the show. I’m a CM Punk fan, and I was disappointed just as much as anyone else, when he quit. he has his reasons for leaving, and the bottom line is he doesn’t really owe the fans shit.

this year’s show is a Teddy Long special as we have four tag team matches (including pre-show) on the card. there’s also the triple threat match for the WWE title between the reigning champion, Brock Lesnar, the Money in the Bank holder, Seth Rollins, and the golden shovel, John Cena. say what you will about Brock, the man is a smart businessman, if nothing else. after signing a one-year deal worth a reported $5 million in 2012 (he renewed for 2 years in 2013)  the man will be wrestling in his 10th match in the last 33 months. after throwing around Cena like a rag doll at Summer Slam to win the title, this will be Lesnar’s second title defense, and the first time he will have wrestled since September. now if you figure conservatively that Lesnar was making a base salary of $5 million a year, he will have earned roughly $1.5 million for each match!

for the first time in quite a while, there are no previous Rumble winners being advertised to appear in the match. that being said, 2009 winner Randy Orton will probably make his return, and maybe the 2012 winner, Sheamus. Bo Dallas is due to make his return from injury. extreme pot smoker, Rob Van Dam, is supposed to be making an appearance. the Dudley Boyz and DDP were also rumoured to be in talks to appear. Chris Jericho has been working the house show circuit and will be in Philly this weekend, so there’s an outside chance he could be there. former NXT champion, Adrian Neville, is supposedly the next talent to be called up to the main roster, so he might be in the Rumble.

as of this writing, 17 of 30 participants have been confirmed. the odds-on favourite is golden shovel 2.0, Roman Reigns. the flaws in both his ringwork and mic skills were masked thanks to fellow Shield members, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins. many have accused Reigns of having fewer moves than Cena. hairwhip, Superman punch, grunt, repeat. the promos he’s been cutting during his feud with the Big Show have just been gawdawful. I guess the only question is will Vinman go forward with his plans of Reigns vs. Lesnar at Mania? will Reigns break his own record and eliminate 13 superstars from the match? or will Vinman pull a swerve and go with someone like Daniel Bryan? rest assured, if Reigns does win, you can expect a reaction from the Philly crowd something akin to the time they cheered Michael Irvin, as they were carting him off the field with a career-ending spinal cord injury, during a Cowboys-Eagles game in 1999.

the Rumble match is not all about who wins tho, as there are plenty of mid-card feuds that can be elevated or take shape. I read an interesting theory the other day concerning Goldust and Stardust. what if Goldust eliminates Stardust, only to have Stardust return later in the match as Cody Rhodes, and eliminate Goldust. a lot of folks in the IWC have been clamouring for a Cody vs. Dustin match at Mania, but I don’t think it happens this year. but yes, I would love to see this theory come to fruition.

the Miz and Damien Mizdow is another singles feud just waiting to happen. ever since Mizdow became Miz’s stunt double, they’ve been slowly building toward a Mizdow face turn. they’re scheduled to compete in a tag title match vs. the Usos earlier in the evening, so we may see a glimpse of what’s to come when they enter the Rumble match. Damien Sandow has had some shit gimmicks to work with over the past coupla years. the epitome of that old saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” his imitation of X-Pac this past week on RAW was spot on and fucking hilarious! when he finally does turn face, he deserves a serious singles push. he is arguably one of the most over wrasslers on the roster today.

other wrasslers to keep an eye on in the Rumble include another IWC darling, Dolph Ziggler, who returns after being “fired” a coupla weeks ago. two years ago, he lasted almost 50 minutes in the Rumble and I could easily see him getting an early number and wind up being one of the final four. Dolph is the greatest seller since Mr. Perfect and is arguably the hardest worker on the roster, so of course he won’t win.

Daniel Bryan is back after spending nine moths recovering from neck surgery. he’s looked good in the handful of times he’s competed, tho doctors have advised him he won’t be able to use the same moveset he was known for prior to his injury. I think he gets a later number, like 21, and ends up being another one of the final four.

Rusev’s anti-American gimmick has gotten awfully stale, and if it wasn’t for Lana, he probably wouldn’t even be on tv, or possibly even back in NXT (not like that would necessarily be a bad thing) it looked like he would be feuding with Ryback, but that was derailed when Ryback was “fired” rumour has it that Rusev could be on a collision course with Cena at Mania, which would cause a lot of IWC members to pre-emptively declare his career dead and buried. I hope he has a deep run in the Rumble match, and ideally I would like to see him eliminate Reigns.

Cesaro has been the most under-utilized talents of the last year. he won the Andre the Giant battle royal at Mania, became a Paul Heyman guy, criticized Orton and Cena, and then dropped off the radar. he’s been relegated to the pre-show match along with his partner Tyson Kidd, who comprise the most athletically-gifted tag team on the roster. Kofi Kingston is also involved in this match, and seeing as how it’s become a tradition of him performing outlandish feats to avoid elimination, I hope he makes an appearance in the Rumble match.

Bray Wyatt has been booked strong since surviving his near career-ending loss to Cena at last year’s Mania. word is he could be headed for a meeting with the Undertaker at Mania (assuming Taker can go) and should continue to be booked strong in his first Rumble match (second if you count his 2011 appearance as Husky Harris)

if you’re looking for a dark horse, look no further than Dean Ambrose, who is coming off losses in feuds to both Wyatt and Seth Rollins. he has no momentum heading into the Rumble, but is still very much over with the crowd thanks to his Brian Pillman-lite persona. Ambrose winning the Rumble would be nothing short of a major swerve.

Kane will be making his record 18th appearance in the Rumble and needs just one more elimination to set the all-time mark for most career eliminations (currently tied with Shawn Michaels at 39) he has been relegated to enhancement talent with his “Corporate Kane” gimmick, but he deserves to break the record. the best “big man” of the modern era to have never won a Rumble.

bold ass match predictions:

Adam Rose, Cesaro, and Tyson Kidd d. New Day – a kickoff match worthy of midcard filler material on a 3-hour episode of RAW. plenty of talent on display, but it would be a shame if some of these guys don’t get spots in the Rumble. this is an elimination match, so maybe the survivors win numbers.

The Usos (c) d. The Miz and Damien Mizdow – the Usos should retain, as the match will be more about teasing the split between Miz and Mizdow. it’s been a real treat watching Mizdow perform his theatrics outside the ring during their matches, but the time is right for him to get back to being a singles competitor.

The Ascension d. New Age Outlaws – The Ascension appeared dead on arrival when they made their main roster debut on the final RAW of 2014. the in your face Illuminati imagery used in their entrance video and ring attire, coupled with their cornball promos and insistence that every other tag team they are accused of emulating (namely LOD and Demolition) sucked, has made crowds rather indifferent toward them. after the beatdown they took at the hands of the Outlaws (and JBL) this past week on RAW, they can only go up from here, right?!?

Brock Lesnar (c) d. John Cena and Seth Rollins – Brock is on his way to UFC, when his contract expires after Mania. that being said, he should still be champion when that show rolls around. Rollins being added to the match doesn’t make a whole lotta sense, since he’s already the Money in the Bank winner, but he’ll probably be used just to make sure Cena doesn’t win, thus furthering the feud for at least another month. all signs point to Seth being the next Paul Heyman guy, following Brock’s departure.

Paige and Natalya d. the Bella Twins – Xavier help me, they’re actually booking a halfway decent feud in the divas division. since Nikki’s title isn’t on the line, I suspect Brie will do the job, paving the way for the culmination to this feud at Mania.

Roman Reigns wins the Royal Rumble – this is what Vinman wants after the IWC (and CM Punk, to a certain extent) forced him to put “B+ player” Daniel Bryan in the main event of last year’s Mania. 27 has been the luckiest number, in terms of previous Rumble winners (4), so why not have Reigns be the latest. he last eliminates Bryan, causing audience members to litter the ring with folding chairs while a chorus of “E-C-DUB!” rings throughout the arena.

when golden shovels collide

Resident Anal HD

January 23, 2015

Resident Evil was hailed as a landmark video game which created the “survival horror” genre, upon it’s release on the original Playstation in 1996. never wanting to miss out on an opportunity to milk one of their most beloved franchises (which has gone off the rails in recent iterations) Capcom returned to their roots with a remastered version of the 2002 remake of Resident Evil, which appeared on Nintendo GameCube.

available this past Tuesday via Xbox Live Marketplace and Playstation Store, Resident Evil HD can be downloaded for the reasonable price of $20. having owned both prior editions, I couldn’t help but take the plunge. everything I know and loved about the game has been dutifully upgraded. exploring the mansion in beautiful HD with the new widescreen option adds an extra visual layer that is greatly appreciated. all the scares from the original are intact (dogs bursting thru windows; running around the shark tank; draining the bathtub, yadda yadda yadda). the puzzles are challenging (by 1996 standards) and the analog controls feel slightly less wonky than before, which can also sometimes lead to some frustrating problems with the camera. you do have the option to play with either the classic or modern controls. I still get the same satisfying feeling of landing a clean headshot that causes a zombie’s head to explode. it’s refreshing to play a game where ammo is in short supply, and you have to decide whether to fight or evade enemies. get munched on by one too many zombies, and you hafta start using your herbs to heal, lest you become “a Jill sandwich” can’t forget the cheesy dialogue!

all in all, it took me about 6 hours to playthru. this game is a great trip down memory lane for those of us who played the original. but I would only recommend it to diehard fans of the series. I would love to see them come out with a remastered version of RE2!

netflix: 4/5

imdb: 8/10

Resident-Evil-Remaster-Jill-Barry-Screenshot-700x393

Hipsterscum Announces Plans To Enter Lucrative World Of Stand-Up Comedy

January 18, 2015

noted musician, musical historian, and avid facial hair grower, Hipsterscum, announced at a house party on Friday nite, that he was planning to try his hand at stand-up comedy. often referred to as the Mike Patton of the DC area due to his involvement with numerous musical projects, he said the time was right to pursue other interests.

“I’ve always enjoyed making ppl laugh, so I’m gonna start hitting up some open mics in the area.” when pressed by partygoers to tell some jokes, aspiring agent and noted paranoid neurotic, Persie Handfisher, Esq. advised his potential client to take the fifth.

“as someone who once had sex with a woman who auditioned for a Ford Focus commercial, I think I know a little bit about show business.” Handfisher said at his weekly press conference. “all he’s gotta do is say the word, and I’ll have him performing in front of potentially tens of ppl at one of the swankier Koreatown laundromats in LA.” more on this story as events warrant.

in other news, Handfisher expressed his disappointment with Yuengling after switching from bottles to cans midway thru the party. “it’s like nite and day, bruh!” he also finished in 4th place in a six-handed game of King of Tokyo. “my goal was to try and win by getting to 20 points without attacking.” he was ousted on the second to last roll, in a brutal double elimination, that cost him his last 5 hearts. Storm von MagicMist won the game, eliminating Wrath on the very next roll.

Handfisher struck up a conversation about the latest Star Trek movie, which he said he enjoyed, but not as much as the previous one. he later admitted that he had never seen the original Wrath of Khan movie, but that he still has the MAD Magazine issue where they parodied it “What Me, Vulcan?” indeed! speaking of MAD, anyone remember when it first came out back in 1995? one of the best sketches was Artie Lange as My White Mama (also starring Debra Wilson, Phil LaMarr, and Orlando Jones) maybe it doesn’t hold up as well 20 years later, but for MAD TV, it wasn’t bad.

with the AVN Awards fast approaching, Handfisher endorsed Dani Daniels for performer of the year. he then vowed to castrate himself, and mail his penis to Ms. Daniels, if she didn’t win.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.