The Jurist

he was just a simple man of average means, just trying to get by…

“some would say I’m just a simple man of average means, trying to get by.”

he loved his job…

“look, I don’t claim to be an expert on cameras, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let you walk out of here with that Kodak.”

he loved his family…

“look, I think it’s about time we took this relationship to the next level, so I can start re-populating something other than my shortpants.”

but then he got caught up in the wrong crowd…

“hey, Persie! what’s wrong? you too cool to register to vote, or are you chicken?”

“look, say what you will about me, but lay off the Chordata Phylum!”

one day, he got a letter from the city, telling him he might hafta serve jury duty…

“look baby, I gotta serve jury duty. it’s my constitutional right, or some junk. just know I’ll be thinking about you and Persie, Jr. every day.”

“but you’ll only be gone for a week, at the most. there’s a decent chance you won’t even hafta…”

“shhh, don’t make this any more difficult than it already is.”

only to find his world turned upside-down when he returned…

“look Persie, it’s just not working out between us. I’ve moved on, found someone new. someone who isn’t pre-occupied with performing his civic duty, someone who can provide for me and Persie, Jr.”

“of all the ppl for you to cheat on me with, I would’ve never expected my disconjoined siamese twin, who I was joined at the scrotum with, for the first 12 years of my life-life-life.”

from the guys who brought you So You Think You Can Impregnate A Kardashian and Honey, I Blew Up The Babysitter’s Vagina inspired by true events, Rob Schneider, in a tour-de-force performance as The Jurist with Meryl Streep as Attorney Victoria von Nostrand…

“I’m the lead prosecutor on this case. if I’m seen fraternizing with a jurist, I could lose my job!”

“look, in a perfect world, I would’ve already impregnated you with the power of positive thought, thru the backdoor in your mind.”

Don Cheadle, as Marco Handfisher…

“we spent 12 years joined at the scrotum. we could argue all night about who fucked who’s wife in what position, while who was away on jury duty. let’s not let something silly like adultery come between us. bros before hos, am I right?”

Lindsay Lohan as Hannah Montana-Handfisher…

“Billy Ray was right. you never loved me, you never supported my singing career, you only wanted to tap in to that coveted 18-24 year-old female demographic…I want a divorce!”

and Paul Sorvino, as Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia.

“Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict ova hea?”

“look, Chief Justice, Antonin Scalia! the name’s not Mr. Foreman, it’s Persie with an “I” and an “E” and there’s an “S” in front of the “I” and “E” my mother was Dutch, and my father had this fascination with windmills, so yeah. secondly, we find the defendant GUILTY…by reason of hilarity!”

The Jurist, coming Summer 2011…

Rob Schneider


One Response to “The Jurist”

  1. Clint Says:

    haha, wow man. Jury duty’s awesome, you can nullify a verdict if you disagree with the law. If you get chosen, please google FIJA – the Fully Informed Jury Association. You can save somebody’s freedom by refusing to go along with the enforcement of a law you don’t agree with.

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