Local Woman Regrets Sending Out Mass Invite via Facebook

Arlene Kronsky-Chonz, of Falls Church, VA, was horrified to learn that on-again, off-again facebook user, paranoid neurotic, and noted binge drinker, Persie Handfisher, had responded “yes” to her upcoming house party.

“this is the absolute worst-case scenario!” Kronsky-Chonz said “he showed up inebriated to the last party, and passed out on the living room couch, with a half-empty beer bottle in his hand. not only that, but he’s also a terrible conversationalist. I mean, he spent 20 minutes talking about Canadien parliament, for fuck sake!”

Kronsky-Chonz boyfriend, Darren Mitchellstork, added “he likes hockey, The Pet Shop Boys, and La Roux, but GAWDAMN, does that guy have a drinking problem!”

Handfisher’s affinity for pre-gaming has already been brought in to question. a frequent patron of local watering hole, Hops, he usually likes to indulge with 2 or 3 shots of whiskey, and a 16 oz. lager of ale, before officially commencing with the evening’s activities. when interviewing for this story, employees of Hops also mentioned that he is a notoriously generous tipper.

“as an 8th-degree Imaginationist, I can only envisualize how many baskets of pain fries, they must be feeling.” said Handfisher. “I hafta work late that day, so there’s only like a 50% chance I’ll show up. sometimes, I respond yes to things that I have no way of possibly attending. like that time I said yes for that mc chris boat show in NYC.”

a well-placed source on the issue noted “I’m not surprised he replied yes. after all, his motto is “I’ll just show up and hope no one asks me to leave.”

partygoers are being advised to avoid making direct eye contact with Persie, and above all else, don’t mention anything related to Xavier: Renegade Angel…



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