America’s $1 Camera Salesman

good evening, I’m Thaddeus Funderburke, reporting for IGRO. this past Friday was “Black Friday” aka the single-busiest shopping day of the year in the retail industry. we were lucky enough to have America’s #1 camera salesman, America’s $1 camera salesman, Persie Handfisher, entrenched at a local Better Buy, to get a first-hand account of the day’s events. we now go live for this exclusive interview:

“…and so that’s when I said ‘Charlie, bubbala, that’s not baking soda!’ next thing I know, I was hanging by my underwear from a chandelier, Charlie’s yelling something about his missing wallet, and the hooker we picked up, had to go to the hospital with first-degree burns over 50% of her face-face-face.”
“hello? Persie, can you hear me? you’re live on IGRO.”
“sup, brah?”
“not much, so I understand you worked on black Friday?”
“yah”
“tell us what that was like.”
“it was terrible. we missed budget, I didn’t get out of work until around midnite.”
“so then do you buy into the recent news that analysts are predicting a 2% increase in sales growth over last holiday season?”
“hey, you know what I see a 2% increase in growth in, around the holiday season? my penis! yeah, how u like that analysis?!?”
“genitalia aside, it couldn’t have been all sour news coming out of the weekend?”
“you’re right! I managed to get a woman’s phone number.”
“sounds like a bold move on your part, how did this come about?”
“something to do with a promo, she said she never turns down anything that’s free. so I was like ‘well, did u know this item also comes with a complimentary salad tossing.’ totally caught her off guard. she thought about it for a minute, then she threw up in her mouth. she later assured me that it wasn’t b/c she was repulsed by the thought of having sex with me, but b/c she had been thinking about a Neil Hamburger joke she once heard.”
“speaking of which, Neil is opening tonite for Tim & Eric. I assume you’ll be there?”
“does Bruce Willis turn down movie roles?”
“well, I dunno, I suppose…”
“the answer is NO!”
“so then you won’t be at tonite’s show?”
“fuck yeah, I will. what ever gave you that idea?”
“well, you asked if Bruce Willis ever turned down a movie role, and then u said no…u know what, just forget it. I understand you’ve turned over a new leaf, and stopped drinking?”
“yeah, man. I decided to go back to meth.”
“wait a minute, you’re doing meth now?”
“it provides that 18-hour energy boost I was sorely lacking.”
“but aren’t you worried about side effects like losing your teeth?”
“hell no! I don’t eat it, I snort it. what, do you think I’m stupid?”
[Thaddeus groaning]
“hey, Thaddeus! I couldn’t help noticing u just did that long-winded groan. u know who else is good at doing that? the guy from Delocated. u ever watch that show?”
“no, can’t say as I have…”
“b/c I came up with a great idea for a show about a guy in the witness protection program, who also happens to be a zombie, and he works as a camera salesman.”
“umm ok, I don’t even know where to begin with this, so I’ll just ask, why is he working as a camera salesman?”
“b/c zombies hate having their picture taken, DUH!”
“but then if that’s the case, why is even working there?”
“uhh, HELLO! he’s a reverse zombie!”
“that is quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”
“well, if Jim Belushi is still allowed on tv, I’m pretty sure anyone can get a sitcom deal.”
“touche”
“hey Thaddeus!”
“go ahead”
“why did Sir Mick Jagger urinate on his daughter?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“b/c he mistook her for a fan.”

Persie

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