State Department OKs Yogi Bear Movie For Use On Guantanamo Bay Detainees

X-mas came early this year for fans of cruel and unusual punishment. the U.S. State Department announced it had given the military the go-ahead to begin showing cutting room floor material from the smash-hit holiday release, Yogi Bear, to detainees at Guantanamo Bay.

bonus scenes like:
Yogi dresses in drag, seduces Ranger Smith
Yogi and Boo-Boo ingesting crack via anal suppository
Yogi and Boo-Boo use picnic basket as a toilet, smear feces all over a vacationing family, and each other
Boo-Boo (Justin Timberlake) performs songs from his FutureSex/LoveSounds album, then ejaculates on campers
Dan Aykroyd drunk-dials co-star, Anna Faris, 43 times; asks if she’s ever seen Caddyshack II
Director’s commentary replaced by sounds of audience members becoming violently ill from watching Yogi Bear movie

“this is a landmark day in the war on terror. we need to show those who would do harm to America, that we aren’t fucking around! if they thought being stripped butt naked, blindfolded, and having their genitals attached to car batteries, was painful, just wait until they are forced to watch this gawdawful movie!” said Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton.

Dan Aykroyd was thrilled to be helping his adopted country against the threat of terrorism. “test audience responses ranged from catatonic to suicidal. if we have those kind of responses from our target demographics, just imagine what we’ll get from those who may not have even heard of Yogi, let alone seen a talking bear before.”

Aykroyd offered to do a table read with Ernie Hudson, for the upcoming Ghostbusters III movie, but State Department officials ruled that would be bordering on excessive.

“we achieved new heights in just how shitty a live-action childrens movie, that also blends CG, can be.” said the guy who plays Yogi’s nemesis, Ranger Smith. “the fact that I was even asked to be a part of this visual abortion, says a lot about the current state of my career.”

Timberlake added “it was a real thrill getting to work with the star of Crossroads. I’m sure Dan learned a lot from working with Britney Spears. I think we both know a thing or two about making terrible movies. I mean, did anyone see The Love Guru?”

as an added bonus, enemy combatants will be treated to the full-length theatrical version of the movie, in 3-D, but will not be allowed to wear the 3-D glasses.

Yogi Bear
“hey, Boo-Boo, those are some mighty erect nipples, you got there!”


One Response to “State Department OKs Yogi Bear Movie For Use On Guantanamo Bay Detainees”

  1. Clint Says:

    That’s crueler than the usual punishment, Boo Boo!

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