An Evening With Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen’s “Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour” made a recent stop at DAR Constitution Hall in DC. anyone who’s read reviews of previous stops on his tour, or seen his turn on Drew Carey’s improv comedy show, already knew to hope for the best, and expect the worst.

it’s hard to believe anyone would think Sheen is even halfway funny, without the help of his writers. he’s an actor, not a comedian. that fact was made painfully obvious to the sold out crowd. he didn’t tell jokes, as much as he lamented his current state of affairs. ex-wives, goddesses, child custody battles, his lawsuit against CBS, and the endorsement he received from Justin Bieber, as “The World’s Most Influential Person.” BLECCH!!! he did get a brief rise out of the audience when he hinted about a run for President, saying at least he was born here, and that Obama’s birth certificate was “photoshopped.”

it wasn’t that long ago, Sheen was all the rage with catchphrases like “WINNING!” and “Tiger Blood”, but that was SO two months ago. the crowd was restless, and in dire need of being entertained, yelling out non sequitur shit, at various points. one audience member boomed “if u don’t say something funny right now, I swear to Gawd, I’m gonna go home, and beat my wife unconscious.” as it turned out, Charlie Sheen is a pretty normal guy. perhaps, this tour is his version of AA.

on the opposite end of the spectrum, local comedian, Persie Handfisher, was the opening act. he started by asking the audience how many Pollocks does it take to setup an hdtv. when the crowd responded “how many?” he said “I dunno, we were all too busy snorting coke off Bree Olsen’s ass cheeks, BWAH!!!” and it was all downhill from there.

he told the audience that he doesn’t even watch “Two and a Half Men”, and that 90% of network tv is a heaping, steaming pile of shit. he later said he hopes Charlie returns to the show, “b/c the fat kid is threatening to eat Jon Cryer, if they don’t go back to work soon.”

Handfisher continued with more Charlie Sheen jokes, which were met with what can best be described as polite laughter. several jokes took aim at Sheen’s ex-wife, Denise Richards, whom Handfisher referred to as “a prostitute who doesn’t get paid to watch Charlie’s kids…allegedly” which left many in the audience groaning and/or booing.

Persie talked about Charlie’s goddesses, and how everyone thinks it’s cool. but when he (Persie) keeps his Vietnamese mail order bride chained to a radiator for 16 hours a day, they hafta get social services involved.

Handfisher brought a woman up on stage, whom he identified as a prostitute he picked up outside the venue. he had her take part in a mock interview he had written, as an homage to Zach Galifianakis “Between Two Ferns” highlighted by long, awkward pauses, it came off very sloppy, and bordered on excruciatingly painful at times, which prompted louder boos, with each joke that missed it’s mark.

at one point, there was a huge “YOU SUCK!” chant from the crowd. Handfisher interrupted his routine, to let them know “u paid $100 to get in here, and we’re getting paid, so who’s the real asshole here?”

Handfisher decided that he wasn’t going to waste any more “A” material on such an unworthy audience, so he listed cartoon characters he wouldn’t mind having sex with. a list that included Wilma Flintstone, Lois Griffin, the black chick from Archer, and the lesbian chick from La Blue Girl, who turned into a werewolf, and had to scissor with her hot lesbian friend, so that she could return to human form.

Handfisher elicited his only cheers of the nite, as he exited the stage, only to return a few minutes later, to another chorus of boos, b/c Sheen hadn’t arrived at the building yet. Persie was clearly out of ideas by this point, and decided to do an impromptu one-man tribute to Metalocalypse. he did impressions of all five band members (most notably, Nathan Xplosion and Skwisgaar Skwigelf) and closed with a really lame air guitar solo.

thankfully, his time was almost up. Handfisher quipped “a wise man once said, the best way to clear out a room is to throw some King Diamond on the stereo.” a man he introduced as Wrath von MagicMist, came out on-stage with a guitar, wearing corpse paint, and a Misfits shirt. he said “this next one is dedicated to my good friend, Dickie Moist. it’s a song about doing meth.” they covered Mercyful Fate’s “MDA” as Persie repeatedly shrieked into the microphone, “Mission: Destroy Aliens!!!” Handfisher exited the stage to another deafening round of boos.

when asked what he thought of Handfisher’s performance, Sheen replied “I had an opening act?!?”

Sheen

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3 Responses to “An Evening With Charlie Sheen”

  1. Clint Says:

    hmmm

    • celticfrostedflakes Says:

      Tom Shales of the Washington Post said Persie does for stand-up comedy what Jim Belushi does for network sitcoms, BUH HUH!!!

  2. Clint Says:

    Chorus?

    CHORUS IS SPELLED CHORACE

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