Local Idiot Releases Quarterly Earnings Report

Persie Handfisher held a press conference in his mother’s basement, to announce his latest financial windfall. flanked by two women he referred to as his “goddesses”, Persie read from a prepared statement:

“my financial adviser came to me about 6 weeks ago, and told me to invest in Kurrant Mobile Catering (KRMC) they are a publishing company, who were sitting at just under .04/share. after doing my due diligece, I took the plunge, and invested several ducats. the stock was expected to double in value once they published the unauthorized biography of Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, Julian Assange: Wikileaks Warrior for Truth on April 19. the stock continued to hover at around .04-.05/share.”

“I got a call from my adviser at approx. 1300 hours yesterday afternoon, at which time he asked me if I had heard the news that the stock had exploded to .10/share. I haven’t been this excited, since that time I was mistaken for Andy Dick. boy, I tell u whut! I checked to see what big news could’ve caused the price to jump so quickly. apparently, it was b/c they are planning to release an unauthorized biography of one, Mr. Charlie Sheen.”

“even tho I am not a fan of Mr. Sheen’s, nor do I care much for his movies or tv shows, at least I can afford to live his exemplary lifestyle. now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pay these women to have sex with each other.”

Handfisher refused to answer any questions, including allegations that he owns a VHS copy of Major League. instead, he referred the media to a giant monitor above the stage, that was playing a video loop of a pikachu pushing over a kitten. this provided just enough of a distraction, for him to exit the stage, before anyone could notice.



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