Drunker, Hornier, Crustier

I was in full-on hippie mode yesterday, when I went into work. I had been drinking heavily the previous nite, during the Pacquiao fight, I didn’t shower, and I watched the ZZ Black Swan parody before going in, so I was ready to bust a nut…of camera knowledge, all over some lucky customer’s FACE-FACE-FACE.

we had our little bullshit meeting to discuss how much revenue we dropped from the previous day. the opening manager asked me how many credit card apps I put out, and I told her one, but that was by accident. that got a few laughs from the crowd, and I knew right then and there, it was gonna be a good day.

my co-worker spilled a drink on his pants, and left work early. it brought back memories of that time I sold a Canon Rebel T1i to this really attractive lesbian couple. while they were busy trying out the camera, I was fantasizing about how hot the scissoring between them would be. long story short, I ended up ejaculating in my pants, while I was ringing up the sale. and that’s why they make me wear underpants to work.

I’ve often thought I do my best work when I’m lightly buzzed. I have more fun, and I’m more sociable with customers. my lackadaisical sales technique, is the stuff of legend. I broke out a few of my favourite impressions:
there was Dr. Persie Brule: FOR YOUR CAMERAS! he was the slow-witted sales rep, who had trouble completing his own sentences, accidentally knocked over a display, and quoted lyrics to Foreigner songs during conversations.
there was Persie Wartooth: the Swedish expatriate who came to America to fulfill his lifelong dream of working a menial job in retail, while also playing in a King Diamond tribute band. he put “s” at the end of various words, and ended each successful transaction, by saluting his customer with devil horns.
there was Nigel Handfisher: he had a thick British accent, which several customers found difficult to decipher. he was actually more interested in watching the Barcelona-Espanyol game, than making a sale.
and last but not least, Comic Book Brah: he really likes Canon cameras, but since there is a severe shortage, at the present time, he begrudgingly sells Nikon. *sigh* very well, u may purchase this Nikon D3100. it’s 14 MP, and does 3 fps. it also does full HD video, but there’s no option for 60 fps, so good luck with that!”

as we closed up shop for the nite, my manager spotted a clock radio by our register, and he said:
“are you guys helping customers listen to smooth jazz, or some shit!” I busted out laughing. one day, we’ll go on tour together…

Carl

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