Jesus Christ Lodges Formal Complaint With Rapture Scheduling Committee

the Lord and Saviour to millions of Christians the world-over, Jesus Christ, disappointed quite a few religious zealots on Saturday, by failing to deliver on the much ballyhooed rapture. Christ held a press conference in Baltimore, where he was attending the Preakness, with girlfriend, Bree Olsen.

“I would like to apologise to everyone about the whole world going to end fiasco, my bad! I had it on my to-do list, but after crunching the numbers, it just didn’t make sense to have it on a Saturday.”

when asked by reporters if he would consider re-scheduling the rapture for next Saturday, Christ replied “yeah, no. I’m gonna need you to go ahead, and stop asking me to do stuff on the weekends. so, if you could just sit there quietly for the rest of the press conference, that would be great!”

Christ took full responsibility for Shackleford winning the Preakness, claiming he did it as a favour to his good friend, Mike Judge. “Shackleford, as in Rusty Shackleford. as in the alias used by Dale Gribble from King of the Hill. anybody? anybody? no?!? ok, well, at least I’m trying! what the fuck have you done?!?”

Christ went on to say that he is currently in talks with ABC about turning the rapture into a primetime game show event, hosted by Regis Philbin, and tentatively scheduled for November sweeps. he also said to be on the lookout for his new show “Real Housewives of Bethlehem” which premieres June 21 on Bravo.

Jesus Saves

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