in what is being hailed as the worst prequel since the first Star Wars movie in 1999, Captain America: The First Avenger, tells the story of some dude named Steve Rogers. he’s from Brooklyn, so he has that going for him. it’s 1942, and Rogers is rejected for service in WW II. he is so adamant about serving his country, that he ends up being recruited for an experiment, where they are developing a new “super-soldier” yadda yadda yadda, Tony Starks declares Rogers dead, but he awakens in the present-day where Samuel L. Jackson is pitching the sequel to Snakes On A Plane.
Steve Rogers, army reject turned mutant soldier. the government chewed him up, and spit him out, disavowing any knowledge of him. down on his luck, he turns to trafficking narcotics. this is his story:
Steve Rogers and Tony Starks are traveling in Starks Nissan Altima, on their way to make a drop in Santa Fe, New Mexico. there’s some Rush blaring on the car radio.
Rogers: GAWDAMN, Neil Pert is the best fucking drummer ever!
Starks: you’re right about that, you fuckin’ chomsky honk.
Rogers: so how much longer before we get to where we’re going?
Starks: about another hour and a half.
Rogers: fuck man, I gotta take another leak.
Starks: did u fill that empty bottle up already? HA! that’s ok, I need to fill up on gas anyways.
Rogers: I thought about drinking my own urine, just so I could refill it.
Starks: you’re a fuckin’ alcoholic and a half, brah!
Rogers: yeah, thanks for the newsflash
they pull into a gas station, Starks fills up on gas, while Rogers heads inside
Rogers: hey mang, let me get a pack of Marlboro Reds and a six-pack of MGD
Clerk: that’ll be $11.57, can I see some ID?
Rogers: ID?!? don’t u know who I am, I served in the military, mother fucker, u better watch yourself!
Clerk: please sir, I don’t want any trouble, I just need to see some ID.
Rogers: I got your ID right here!
Rogers pulls out a .22 and waves it at the clerk
Rogers: how about you empty out the register
Clerk: oh fuck, please don’t kill me! just go ahead and take the cash
Starks enters the gas station
Starks: what the fuck are you doing, Steve?!?
Rogers: this mother fucker over here doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. grab the cash out of the register!
Starks: we don’t hafta do this, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Rogers: hey, I said grab the fuckin’ money.
Starks grabs the cash out of the drawer, and the two bolt out of the gas station. the clerk triggered the silent alarm. Starks and Rogers speed off, but the cops aren’t far behind.
Starks: oh man, we are fucked!
Rogers: I ain’t afraid of no pigs.
Starks notices some white powder around one of Rogers nostrils
Starks: you didn’t do any coke in the bathroom, did you?
Rogers: so what if I did?
Rogers: are you crazy? that wasn’t even ours to do.
sirens are blaring, and they pull over
Cop 1: you mind showing me your registration, sir
Starks: no problem, officer. why did you stop us?
Cop 1: we got a report the gas station a few miles down the road was just robbed. vehicle description matches the one you fellas are driving.
Cop 2 shines his flashlight into the passenger side window, where Rogers is rocking back and forth, muttering to himself incoherently
Cop 2: is your friend alright?
Starks: yes, officer, he’s just had a little too much to drink, so I’m being a good designated driver, and taking him home.
Cop 2 notices Rogers .22 is still visible from underneath his shirt
Cop 2: sir, do you have a license to own that firearm?
Rogers: what the fuck are you talking about?
Cop 2: I can clearly see the piece, and I’m asking you if you have the right to carry it.
Rogers: c’mon man, I got nothing to hide
Cop 2: sir, would you mind stepping out of the car?
Rogers: sorry officer, that’s not gonna happen.
Starks: just do what he says, Steve.
Cop 1: if I were you, I’d listen to your friend.
Rogers: yeah, and if I were you, I’d lay off the glazed donuts.
Cop 2: alright, get out of the car
Cop 2 opens the passenger side door, and attempts to physically remove Rogers from the vehicle
Rogers: get your fuckin’ hands off me
Cop 2: sir, I’m gonna need you to not resist, and step out of the car peacefully.
Rogers: nah, fuck that. I’m not going anywhere.
Cop 2 steps back and draws his weapon
Cop 2: get out of the car, and put your hands on your head. DO IT, NOW!
Starks: gawdamnit Steve, get out!
Rogers: I ain’t afraid of these fucking pigs!
Starks proceeds to exit the vehicle, but Rogers remains with his seatbelt fastened. Starks is laying facedown on the cement, Cop 1 begins his patdown of Starks. Rogers and Cop 2 continue to exchange words, when shots are fired.
Cop 1: shots fired, officer down! I repeat, officer down!
Cop 1 fires several shots at Rogers, two hitting him in the torso, and the third going straight thru his temple. Rogers falls backward toward the passenger seat, clutching his .22 to his chest.
Paranoia don’t cost a dime
Eyes in the back of my head
Everything I do is a crime
Guess Captain America’s dead
dedicated to the original Trenton cracker, Mr. Dickie Moist