this is part 1 of the epic re-imagining of the trip I took to the west coast from July 1-8, 2011. the names have been changed to protect the innocent. altho, we’re pretty certain the following events actually occurred.
PH: so then I sez to Mabel, I sez, that’s not an Ocarina! u passed out with my diaphragm in your mouth! but enough about what I like to do in my spare time, how about u?
GIRL: uhh, I think I better go.
PH: oh, c’mon baby, I woulda rocked your world!
CA: hey Persie, come on over. I’d like u to meet someone. Persie, this is my friend Paul Rust.
PH: whoa, Paul Rust! pleasure to meet u.
PR: thanks, it’s always great to meet a fan.
PH: yeah man, I might remember u from such movies as The 40 Year-Old Virgin, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, and Knocked Up.
PR: uhh, wait a minute…
PH: and who could ever forget your cameo on the Delocated pilot, fucking epic!
PR: hehe, I think u have me confused with Paul Rudd.
PH: hey, what was it like working with Steve Carell? he seems like a total dick in real life.
PR: no, didn’t u just hear me say that I’m not Paul Rudd. I’m Paul Rust.
PH: so are u saying you’ve never met Steve Carell?
PR: *sigh* no, I’ve never met him. but, if I did, I’m sure he wouldn’t be a total douchebag like u.
PH: and just to reiterate, are u sure you’re not Paul Rudd?
PR: yeah, I think I would know who I am.
PH: well, who the fuck is Paul Rust?
PR: I AM PAUL RUST, U FUCKING MORON!
PH: oh, that reminds me, did I ever tell u about the time I met the guy who edited The Foot Fist Way.
PR: great, I’m happy for u. how about u go fuck yourself! hey Chuck, great seeing u again, sorry about your buddy here.
(Paul Rust walks off, flipping Persie the bird)
PH: I think that went well, don’t u?
CA: if I’m going to introduce u to ppl, u gotta at least know who you’re talking to. this shit is embarrassing!
PH: hey man, I’m pretty sure he gets mistaken for Paul Rudd all the time.
CA: why would he? they look nothing alike.
PH: well, I would take it as a compliment if someone mistook me for Paul Rudd.
CA: yeah, so anyways, how about we dip outta here? we can go see my friend do some stand-up at the UCB Theatre.
PH: sounds like a plan! can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
CA: uhh, ok, I guess…
TO BE CONTINUED