Local Woman Sits Patiently As Date Insists On Ordering Fourth Plate of Pasta

can’t no one not never accuse me of taint never not being no big spender! I done went to the Olive Garden for the first time since 1992. I like to do it up real classy for the ladies, when I find one who can stomach being in my presence for more than 15 minutes.

alright gurl, I reckon u can get anything on the menu, as long as it’s under $10. how ’bout ye get that never-ending pasta bowl? I sued the sonsuvbitches for false advertising, b/c they were closing, and I was still eating. now, they gotta wait for my ass to finish of my own volition, before they can even start thinking about closing their shit.

the woman, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, tells it another way:
“he asked me out to a movie, and I suggested we see Our Idiot Brother. he responded by asking me if I was related to Stephen Baldwin. dinner was fine. I had the penne pasta and a salad. he got the five-cheese ravioli never-ending pasta bowl. they brought a big bowl of that shit, and I thought he’d be lucky if he finished that. the waitress talked him into a second bowl, which he devoured. by the time the third bowl arrived, I figured he’d had enough. that’s when he decided to unzip his pants, so that he could get more comfortable. he finished the third bowl, and insisted on a fourth. I’m pretty sure it was the five bottles of Blue Moon talking by this point, so the waitress brought us the check. he invited me back to his place to check out his Squidbillies etchings.”

hey, that reminds me, we gotta wrap this shit up, so we can watch us up some Ultimate Surrender. I know how much u like watching naked women wrestle, and then have sex with each other. there’s gonna be about a 15-minute window afterwards, where the getting will be good. so u just let ol’ Persie here know if u wanna take a ride on Handfisher Mountain.

when the woman politely declined the invitation to “exchange bodily fluids in an unsanitary manner” Mr. Handfisher replied “don’t worry, I’ll put some babies in your butt someday!”


no word on whether there is a second date in the works…


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