Eddie Dingle Signs With Oshawa Generals

the end result of a random sexual encounter between two Toronto-area meth addicts at a Smashing Pumpkins concert, is finally coming to fruition. Eddie “Blastman” Dingle, of Oshawa, a top prospect in the CHL, has signed with the hometown Generals. the 16 year-old was facing multiple counts of aggravated sodomy, when he agreed to enter a plea deal, which made him legal property of the OHL junior hockey club.

“we feel that Mr. Dingle’s on-ice ability more than makes up for his insatiable desire to anally violate whatever he can get his hands on.” said Oshawa coach, Clemens Van Der Kweef “after all, I happen to know the laws up here in Ca-na-na-na-duh, and it’s not rape, unless it’s dead!”

there had been talk that Dingle would flee to Nova Scotia, possibly signing with the Halifax Mooseheads, of the QMJHL. “yes, Halifax would’ve been a great place to play, esp. since my father died from alcohol poisoning, after mixing a lethal combination of Moosehead beer with donkey laxatives. by the end, his anus had become so prolapsed, he was forced to walk with a bucket attached to his ankles.”

Dingle proceeded to do several lines of coke off a stripper’s ass while his lawyer/parole officer/agent answered more questions about the terms of his contract with the Generals.

“Mr. Dingle hates being in Oshawa, just as much as the rest of you fat, smelly, south Ontario sweathogs! and ultimately, his goal is to leave this shtihole after a year, to go to the NHL.” said Dingle’s agent, Prance Rosner, Esq. “as part of the terms and conditions of Eddie’s contract, every arena is now legally obligated to play Moistboyz, Captain America, after every goal he scores.”

Van Der Kweef said that he expects Dingle to be completely sober in time for tomorrow’s season opener against the Kingston Frontenacs. Dingle noted he would be wearing #22 in honour of the 22 Catholic schoolgirls he sodomized…allegedly!!!

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