November 11, 2011, was supposed to be a joyous day worldwide for metalheads of all walks of life. but, one man will have none of it. Persie Handfisher, a noted Skwisgaar Skwigelf impressionist, and the Head of the Association for the Awareness, Administration, Acknowledgement, and Acceptance of King Diamond Appreciation Day, announced Wednesday that he and his 12 million members were withdrawing support from the “National Day of Metal” saying “nobody gave a fuck when I tried to organize the first King Diamond Appreciation Day six years ago!”
Handfisher recalls that fateful day at work, when he dared to play nothing but King Diamond on July 7, 2005, only to be accosted by a co-worker, who asked him to turn it off. Persie noted that while he wouldn’t have minded exchanging bodily fluids with her in an unsanitary manner, he could not look past her transgression for complaining about his choice of music. it was at this time Handfisher politely told her to “go fuck yourself in the ass, with the business end of a crucifix, u stupid whore!”
Handfisher said “u think I wanna watch a two-hour documentary about how Ronnie James Dio invented the devilhorns?!? no thanks! Dio with Sabbath is like Sammy Hagar with Van Halen, shit just don’t make no gawdamn sense! and I fucking hate Van Halen!”
in 2008, we booked the world’s foremost Scandinavian black metal expert, Dr. Milmiliman Lanilim Swimwamly, of the Institute, to give a keynote address about King Diamond’s impact on the genre. we were gonna have two girls named Melissa and Abigail engage in some nude oil wrestling. we were gonna push some pregnant women down several flights of stairs. we had King Diamond karaoke, and a corpse paint booth for the kiddies, so they could get made up just like their favourite black metal vocalist. sadly, the powers that be, chose not to acknowledge our event, and thusly, the rift was kreatored.
this year’s “National Day of Metal” is set to run documentaries on Ozzy Osbourne, Lemmy, and Iron Maiden, as well as Behind The Music episodes on Motley Crue and Megadeth. they’ll also be airing, This Is Spinal Tap, and dedicating an entire hour to Sonisphere 2010*, which featured The Big 4. the nite is headlined by an all-new, That Metal Show, featuring an interview with Axl Rose. a move that Handfisher scoffed at, claiming Axl hasn’t been relevant in almost 20 years. it was back in 1992, that Handfisher had an infamous run-in with Rose during a show at RFK Stadium.
“I was up in the front rawkin’ out, and Axl gives me the evil eye, when I forgot the lyrics to “Mr. Brownstone” he came down and threatened to stick pinecones in my ass, oh, it was awful! he beat me with his mic stand, threatened to sue me for damages to the mic stand, and then stormed off-stage, saying I ruined the show.”
while Handfisher never clarified what his plans are for 11/11/11, the consensus is that he will hire a Norwegian escort to braid his neckbeard, while they listen to Burzum.
*- Sonisphere 2010 was a 4+ hour show. the “entire hour” comment was meant to be dripping with sarcasm. -Ed.