Local Pervert Threatens To Quit Masturbating If Asa Akira Doesn’t Win Performer of the Year

the AVN Awards are this weekend in Las Vegas. and as sure as my name is Percival Xavier Forkbeard Van Basten Handfisher, Asa Akira will win Performer of the Year. after all, she’s won every other POTY award this season. if u were lucky enough to have Asa grace one of your flix, u probably gonna win an award for it. Insatiable 2 will win for All-Sex release, and I’m sure one of the 12 butt-related flicks she shot in 2011 will win for Best Anal Release.

I was having lunch with the head of our Bodily Fluids Exchange Subcommittee, Dr. Bob Saccamano, and we got into a heated argument over who should win for Best New Starlet. he likes Jessie Andrews (who once wrestled for Ultimate Surrender) but I told him it should be Skin Diamond. she’s got a unique punk/goth look to her that I find so gawdamn appealing! he said I only liked her b/c I fantasize that she is the daughter of King Diamond. and I was like, “well if u can think of a hotter way to exchange bodily fluids while listening to Mercyful Fate, I’d like to hear it?”

it warms the loins of my heartgroin every time I think about the nominees for Best All-Girl Release. Celeste Star first caught our attention as a semi-regular on We Live Together. once I got over the initial disappointment, that none of the girls actually lived together, I stocked up on kleenex, and began to probe some of her work. Elegant Angel gave Celeste her own vehicle last year, pairing her up in individual scenes with four ladies (including Asa Akira) her scene with Kristina Rose is nominated for Best Girl/Girl Sex Scene.

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One Response to “Local Pervert Threatens To Quit Masturbating If Asa Akira Doesn’t Win Performer of the Year”

  1. Clint Says:

    That beats King Diamond’s mother!

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