Hipsterscum: The Innovator Of Post-Appliance Lampcore

the artist fka hipsterscum recently invited me to his recording studio, located in a remote part of Burbury, CT. first off, he has changed his name to Le Voltigeur du King George, to make it sound more appealing. when I first contacted him, he was hesitant to do the interview. he was none too happy that I leaked footage of his band rehearsing, and only agreed to the meeting if I agreed to be blindfolded and gagged (the ball-gag was my idea) en route to the location. I was not allowed to know the exact whereabouts of hipsterscum’s secret lair. upon my arrival, I was greeted with a swift kick to the balls.

PH: “so LV, how’s it going?”
LV: “not too shabby.”
PH: “well, hey, I just wanted to thank u for inviting me to your studio. what have u been working on?”
LV: “the next big thing, man! banging on appliances!”
PH: “oh, word! this one time while I was having sex with a woman, I accidentally slammed her head in the freezer door. she suffered extensive nerve damage in her neck, still experiences numbness in her arms. but, it’s all good, we’re still friends on facebook.”
LV: “ummm, no, I meant like with foreign objects.”
PH: “I stuck a lit candlestick in her asshole, too. she was shitting chunks of wax for a week.”
LV: “jesus christ, man. I’m talking about making music!”
PH: “calm down, don’t get excited! I’m just trying to do some schtick ova hea!”
LV: “is that your Peter Steele impression or somethin’?”
PH: “yeah, did u like it.”
LV: “eh, I wouldn’t open with it.”
PH: “your first single is titled, Miley Cyrus Wave. how did u come up with that?”
LV: “let’s just say it’s never a good idea to watch the Disney Channel after ingesting a copious amount of tranquilizers and donkey laxatives.”
PH: “well, I’ve heard the song, and it’s fucking brilliant!”
LV: “jeez, thanks! it took me all of about 5 minutes to write.”
PH: “the way u were able to break down all the plotholes in Hannah Montana, season 2, brought a tear to my eye. what instruments were u playing?”
LV: “that was a theremin solo at the beginning, and the rest was just me banging on a hollowed-out refrigerator with a lead pipe. that’s the beauty of post-appliance lampcore, brah!
PH: “hollowed-out refrigerator, eh?
LV: “yeah, it was the same one we found your mom in.”
PH: “oooh, that’s hardcore man. u know we found her floating in the Hudson River!”
LV: “true dat! we bought the cement and duck tape at Home Depot. I remember we had a good laugh when the cashier asked us if we needed a gift receipt. so yeah, new album coming out next month!”
PH: “I can’t wait! tell us a little more about it.”
LV: “it’s called Freezing Soleil Moon Frye. the title track is set to be released as a single later this summer.”
PH: “I’d totally freeze the shit out of her moon, am I right? hehehe, yeah, punch in da fist!”
LV: “that made absolutely no sense, but yeah, sounds good.”

Punky Brewster

at this point, we decided to do a GIS for Soleil Moon Frye. I excused myself to go rub one out in the bathroom, and then we watched my season one DVD copy of Punky Brewster. we resumed our conversation 7.5 hours later.

PH: “so I was wondering what’s up with your review of those two Skrillex albums?”
LV: “what do u mean?”
PH: “well, u gave one of them a 2.5, and the other a 2?!?”
LV: “that’s actually pretty good for me. have u listened to any of it yet?”
PH: “yeah, no, didn’t u read my blogpost about Wrath von MagicMist forbidding the talk of Dubstep?”
LV: “yeah, no, I don’t really have time to read your blog. hell, I don’t even check my email that often.”
PH: “speaking of email. that was some seriously fucked up shit u did, switching from gmail to hotmail. not cool, brah. this isn’t 2001!”
LV: “but I read your email about The Birthday Party discography. I’m glad you’re liking that. do u have any particular tracks that stand out?”
PH: “yeah, what’s that song they wrote about that amusement park, Wild World.”
LV: “oh, u mean Wild World? that song contains sexual and religious themes, which were pretty common for…”
PH: “hey, do u remember those Wild World commercials from the ’80s, with Big John Studd? man, what ever happened to that place?”
LV: “uhh, they became Six Flags.”
PH: “when did this happen?”
LV: “like 1999.”
PH: “far out, maaan!”

the writer would like to extend his thanks to hipsterscum for his friendship and support over the years. his inexplicable dislike for great tv shows, is rivaled only by his unquenchable thirst for argumentative conversation.


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