Discontinuation of Frito Pizza Brings Back Painful Memories For One Local Moron

local pizza eater and asian pornstar enthusiast, Persie Handfisher, had never indulged in Papa John’s Frito pizza, but heard good things about it. “I wasn’t exactly sold after watching the commercials, but after several convos with my tude brah, I wanted to take the plunge.”

several attempts to get others interested in going in on a pizza yielded unsuccessful results. “check it brah, I was talking to my bromigo, and I was like, amigosabe, I’m coming over, and we’re gonna order a Frito pizza and have a Corey Feldman movie marathon.” the deal ultimately fell thru when they were unable to come to the unanimous agreement that “License To Drive” is the greatest of the Corey movies.

so when the tude brah who peaked his interest in the Frito pizza showed up for a routine Friday nite hangout, Persie was all in when the decision was made to order one. sadly, when the call was made, they were informed that Papa John’s had discontinued the pie.

“oh damn, when I heard that, I just wanted to slam a window on my penis, ya feel me, brohan!” Handfisher told reporters as he tried to fight back tears.

for Handfisher, it brought back painful memories, as he recalled his affinity for Domino’s Doublemelt pizza.

“picture it, the winter of 2005, and Domino’s unveils a new pizza that has an extra layer of cheese baked into the crust. I mean, can you believe it, how did they get all that cheese into that crust, mang?!? every Tuesday, like clockwork, me and my buddy would shoot heroin into each other’s testicles, and then order two Doublemelt pizzas…for the price of one!”

for whatever reason, the promotion ended only months after it began. but the memories of that fine pizza, and the collapsed veins in Persie’s scrotum, live on with us forever.

luckily, there was a backup plan in effect, as the party audibled to a coupla three-topping pizzas from New York Pizza.

“I felt pretty good about the toppings we chose” Handfisher continued during his Monday morning press conference “canadian bacon, jalapenos, and pineapple, b/c I taint not never had no pizza whut didn’t not come with no damn pineapples that didn’t not taste like it wasn’t not the best damn thing I ever tasted, BAY-BAY!”

it was an extended four-day weekend thanks to New Years falling on a Thursday, so I made my way out for the year’s first hangout on Friday nite. per my request, we watched the season 3 premiere of the Eric Andre Show. Seth Rogen came out first. Eric asked him for his cell, then flashed a 323 area code # on the screen. Seth did the Letterman bit where he put on a velcro suit, and jumped off a trampoline on to a wall he was supposed to stick to. Asa Akira was up next to promote “Asian Anal Aces” but gets cut off when the mother of Hannibal’s children confronts him about not being the father.

Editor’s note: following exhaustive research, my intern regrets to inform me that there is no such movie as “Asian Anal Aces”

We watched an episode of Mr. Pickles, the show about a bloodthirsty Satanic canine who is best friends with six year-old Tommy. some ppl may be surprised to know Brooke Shields does the voice of Tommy’s mom. in this episode, Tommy tries to lose a tooth, in hopes of meeting the tooth fairy, while the sheriff hunts down a pack of pedophiles.

We watched an episode of American Dad as Francine’s hot asian sister (voiced by Uma Thurman) pays a visit. Stan and Steve try to cop a feel, while Hayley suspects Francine is hiding a secret. Roger leaves during Act I to pursue hidden treasure, when he finds out his adventuring partner is in a coma, leaving Klaus to pick up on the episode’s dramatic cues.

We watched a coupla 11 minute episodes of Adventure Time. one episode was Jake living out his dream of being a brick in a wall when it collapses, and in the meantime, he ends up giving everyone a blow-by-blow description of a conflict between a deer and a bunny. “how very Daoist” as one observer noted. the other episode involved Finn chasing Jake thru a continuous loop of dreams with the ultimate goal of reviving Prismo (voiced by Kumail Nanjiani), who was killed by the Lich King, in a previous episode.

We played two games of King of Tokyo. it’s a board game from Richard Garfield, the same guy behind Magic: The Gathering and Robo Rally. it’s a game for up to 6 players, and the objective is to be the last man standing. you can also win by being the first to 20 victory points. you roll six dice, where you can get either victory points (you need three of a kind to get the point value of the dice), energy to upgrade your character, hearts to replenish life, or attack other monsters. there is a minimal learning curve, and I would be willing to play more of this.

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One Response to “Discontinuation of Frito Pizza Brings Back Painful Memories For One Local Moron”

  1. Carolyn Says:

    Cool review of the night, brah.

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