Let’s Rank Ministry’s Catalogue

February 1, 2015

Chicago Blackhawks fan, one of the forefathers of the Industrial scene, and a staunch Republican, Al Jourgensen has closed the books on Ministry. the announcement came shortly after the passing of longtime guitarist, Mike Scaccia, in December 2012. altho there will be no more new material released, Al will take the band out on tour again, beginning in Australia at the Soundwave Festival in February. what better time than the present to rank, rate, and review all of their studio albums, while pondering whether it’s worth the $60 asking price for tickets to the show.


13. RELAPSE (2012) – if there’s one thing Eminem has taught us, it’s that albums titled RELAPSE are usually terrible. Ministry’s effort in this category is no different. the lead track “Ghouldiggers” has promise, but gets weighed down midsong by audio of Al getting the run-around from a record company executive. even the obligatory cover song (SOD’s “United Forces”), which has usually been pretty good on previous albums, is lacking. the closer, “Bloodlust”, is the best track, if only b/c I like the CSNY harmonies in the chorus.


12. TWITCH (1986) – this was the transitional album that showcased a darker side of the band and served as a prelude of what was to come, while still maintaining the “pop sensibilities” of it’s predecessor. choice track: We Believe

11. DARK SIDE OF THE SPOON (1999) – the cover alone is enough to make you hesitant about giving this a listen. “Bad Blood” is the most Ministry-sounding track of the lot, and was featured on THE MATRIX soundtrack. other than the lead track, “Supermanic Soul” it’s pretty much hit or (mostly) miss.

10. FROM BEER TO ETERNITY (2013) – did Al really say that this was the best Ministry album? it’s ok, but with no Bush in office, Al resorts to singing about Fox News and whatever else happened to be pissing him off at the moment, like folks not voting.

09. THE LAST SUCKER (2007) – there’s only so many songs you can write about how much George W. Bush sucks, before it becomes old hat. the trilogy closer is a chore to get thru. yes, we get it, Bush is descended from reptilian shape-shifters, Cheney is the anti-Christ, and Alex Jones still has this album in his heavy rotation.


08. WITH SYMPATHY (1983) – perhaps if this had been released by Pet Shop Boys or Depeche Mode, it might’ve received better praise, but we all know of Al’s legendary hatred for this album. I found a brand spanking new copy at Amoeba Records back when I lived in LA. it’s remastered with bonus tracks, and sounds FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! I may be the only person on the planet with a “Work For Love” ringtone.

07. THE LAND OF RAPE AND HONEY (1988) – remember when I boldly proclaimed this was one of the best Ministry albums? yeah, this hasn’t really held up all that well over the years. the lead track, “Stigmata” and the title track are great, but everything else is fairly simple and somewhat repetitive.

06. RIO GRANDE BLOOD (2006) – act II of the anti-Bush trilogy. the first half of the album is better than the latter. you get guest appearances by Sgt. Major (Gangreen), Jello Biafra (Ass Clown), and Liz Constantine (Khyber Pass) the best song on the album is the Dethklok-esque “Fear (Is Big Business)”


05. FILTH PIG (1996) – my favourite Ministry album cover, as the orange hue around the guy’s head, reminds me of Conan O’Brien (is that strange?) their Bob Dylan cover (Lay Lady Lay) is top notch, as is the title track. sometimes I just like to crank “Useless” up to 11, and let the bassline crash over me.

04. ANIMOSITISOMINA (2003) – this might be the most underrated Ministry album. there wasn’t too much in the way of filler. “The Light Pours Out of Me” is my favourite Ministry cover song. “Broken” is my favourite track on the album, as you can hear the Al Jourgensen vocals of the WITH SYMPATHY era, we all know and love.


03. PSALM 69 (1992) – the height of Ministry’s popularity, which lead to a string of videos on MTV, their only platinum album to date, and a headlining gig on Lollapallooza. “NWO” and “Just One Fix” were the calling cards, but it’s deeper cuts like “Jesus Built My Hotrod” (featuring Gibby Haynes of the Butthole Surfers) and “Scarecrow” that are the real standouts.

02. HOUSES OF THE MOLE (2004) – the most metal album in the discography, it was the first (and best) in the anti-Bush trilogy. successfully blending elements of thrash (Warp City) and black metal (WTV) with Ministry’s trademark industrial sound. my personal favourite is “World” which sounds like a modern day update to Genesis “Land of Confusion”

01. THE MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO TASTE (1989) – from beginning to end, a thoroughly enjoyable listen. MIND runs the gamut from industrial (Thieves) to ambient (Dream Song) to rap/rock (Test) the one complaint I hear is that the album is diluted due to Al working with so many guest collaborators (Ogre and Chris Connelly, among others) but I find this to be a strength. the spooky ambiance of the droning horns, the crow calls, the menacing bassline, and Connelly’s wailing vocals, “The Cannibal Song” will make you feel as tho you’ve stumbled into the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.


Roman Reigns In Blood at the Rectal Rumble

January 25, 2015

this Sunday marks the 28th annual WWE Royal Rumble pay per view, emanating live and direct from Philadelphia. a year ago, the Pittsburgh crowd took a huge, steaming dump all over the event. the IWC darling, Daniel Bryan, lost clean to Bray Wyatt in the show opener (in what proved to be the match of the nite) Brock Lesnar beat the shit out of Big Show, before the bell even rang. the crowd was treated to Cena vs. Orton for the WWE title for the 4027th time. and when Rey Mysterio came out #30 in the Rumble match, that’s when the crowd went from hostile to downright volatile.

there was no Bryan, and Vinman’s proclamation of the returning Batista winning the Rumble had been set in motion. I like Batista b/c he’s a DC guy, and it’s nice to see that he’s established himself in Hollywood after wrasslin. while certainly not on the level as the Rock, he was quite good in Guardians of the Galaxy, and he continues to book steady work, but I digress. Roman Reigns set the new mark for most eliminations in a Rumble with 12 (breaking Kane’s previous record of 11 set in 2001) before he was lastly eliminated by Batista.

this would also end up being CM Punk’s final appearance, as he abruptly left the company after the show. I’m a CM Punk fan, and I was disappointed just as much as anyone else, when he quit. he has his reasons for leaving, and the bottom line is he doesn’t really owe the fans shit.

this year’s show is a Teddy Long special as we have four tag team matches (including pre-show) on the card. there’s also the triple threat match for the WWE title between the reigning champion, Brock Lesnar, the Money in the Bank holder, Seth Rollins, and the golden shovel, John Cena. say what you will about Brock, the man is a smart businessman, if nothing else. after signing a one-year deal worth a reported $5 million in 2012 (he renewed for 2 years in 2013)¬† the man will be wrestling in his 10th match in the last 33 months. after throwing around Cena like a rag doll at Summer Slam to win the title, this will be Lesnar’s second title defense, and the first time he will have wrestled since September. now if you figure conservatively that Lesnar was making a base salary of $5 million a year, he will have earned roughly $1.5 million for each match!

for the first time in quite a while, there are no previous Rumble winners being advertised to appear in the match. that being said, 2009 winner Randy Orton will probably make his return, and maybe the 2012 winner, Sheamus. Bo Dallas is due to make his return from injury. extreme pot smoker, Rob Van Dam, is supposed to be making an appearance. the Dudley Boyz and DDP were also rumoured to be in talks to appear. Chris Jericho has been working the house show circuit and will be in Philly this weekend, so there’s an outside chance he could be there. former NXT champion, Adrian Neville, is supposedly the next talent to be called up to the main roster, so he might be in the Rumble.

as of this writing, 17 of 30 participants have been confirmed. the odds-on favourite is golden shovel 2.0, Roman Reigns. the flaws in both his ringwork and mic skills were masked thanks to fellow Shield members, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins. many have accused Reigns of having fewer moves than Cena. hairwhip, Superman punch, grunt, repeat. the promos he’s been cutting during his feud with the Big Show have just been gawdawful. I guess the only question is will Vinman go forward with his plans of Reigns vs. Lesnar at Mania? will Reigns break his own record and eliminate 13 superstars from the match? or will Vinman pull a swerve and go with someone like Daniel Bryan? rest assured, if Reigns does win, you can expect a reaction from the Philly crowd something akin to the time they cheered Michael Irvin, as they were carting him off the field with a career-ending spinal cord injury, during a Cowboys-Eagles game in 1999.

the Rumble match is not all about who wins tho, as there are plenty of mid-card feuds that can be elevated or take shape. I read an interesting theory the other day concerning Goldust and Stardust. what if Goldust eliminates Stardust, only to have Stardust return later in the match as Cody Rhodes, and eliminate Goldust. a lot of folks in the IWC have been clamouring for a Cody vs. Dustin match at Mania, but I don’t think it happens this year. but yes, I would love to see this theory come to fruition.

the Miz and Damien Mizdow is another singles feud just waiting to happen. ever since Mizdow became Miz’s stunt double, they’ve been slowly building toward a Mizdow face turn. they’re scheduled to compete in a tag title match vs. the Usos earlier in the evening, so we may see a glimpse of what’s to come when they enter the Rumble match. Damien Sandow has had some shit gimmicks to work with over the past coupla years. the epitome of that old saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” his imitation of X-Pac this past week on RAW was spot on and fucking hilarious! when he finally does turn face, he deserves a serious singles push. he is arguably one of the most over wrasslers on the roster today.

other wrasslers to keep an eye on in the Rumble include another IWC darling, Dolph Ziggler, who returns after being “fired” a coupla weeks ago. two years ago, he lasted almost 50 minutes in the Rumble and I could easily see him getting an early number and wind up being one of the final four. Dolph is the greatest seller since Mr. Perfect and is arguably the hardest worker on the roster, so of course he won’t win.

Daniel Bryan is back after spending nine moths recovering from neck surgery. he’s looked good in the handful of times he’s competed, tho doctors have advised him he won’t be able to use the same moveset he was known for prior to his injury. I think he gets a later number, like 21, and ends up being another one of the final four.

Rusev’s anti-American gimmick has gotten awfully stale, and if it wasn’t for Lana, he probably wouldn’t even be on tv, or possibly even back in NXT (not like that would necessarily be a bad thing) it looked like he would be feuding with Ryback, but that was derailed when Ryback was “fired” rumour has it that Rusev could be on a collision course with Cena at Mania, which would cause a lot of IWC members to pre-emptively declare his career dead and buried. I hope he has a deep run in the Rumble match, and ideally I would like to see him eliminate Reigns.

Cesaro has been the most under-utilized talents of the last year. he won the Andre the Giant battle royal at Mania, became a Paul Heyman guy, criticized Orton and Cena, and then dropped off the radar. he’s been relegated to the pre-show match along with his partner Tyson Kidd, who comprise the most athletically-gifted tag team on the roster. Kofi Kingston is also involved in this match, and seeing as how it’s become a tradition of him performing outlandish feats to avoid elimination, I hope he makes an appearance in the Rumble match.

Bray Wyatt has been booked strong since surviving his near career-ending loss to Cena at last year’s Mania. word is he could be headed for a meeting with the Undertaker at Mania (assuming Taker can go) and should continue to be booked strong in his first Rumble match (second if you count his 2011 appearance as Husky Harris)

if you’re looking for a dark horse, look no further than Dean Ambrose, who is coming off losses in feuds to both Wyatt and Seth Rollins. he has no momentum heading into the Rumble, but is still very much over with the crowd thanks to his Brian Pillman-lite persona. Ambrose winning the Rumble would be nothing short of a major swerve.

Kane will be making his record 18th appearance in the Rumble and needs just one more elimination to set the all-time mark for most career eliminations (currently tied with Shawn Michaels at 39) he has been relegated to enhancement talent with his “Corporate Kane” gimmick, but he deserves to break the record. the best “big man” of the modern era to have never won a Rumble.

bold ass match predictions:

Adam Rose, Cesaro, and Tyson Kidd d. New Day – a kickoff match worthy of midcard filler material on a 3-hour episode of RAW. plenty of talent on display, but it would be a shame if some of these guys don’t get spots in the Rumble. this is an elimination match, so maybe the survivors win numbers.

The Usos (c) d. The Miz and Damien Mizdow – the Usos should retain, as the match will be more about teasing the split between Miz and Mizdow. it’s been a real treat watching Mizdow perform his theatrics outside the ring during their matches, but the time is right for him to get back to being a singles competitor.

The Ascension d. New Age Outlaws – The Ascension appeared dead on arrival when they made their main roster debut on the final RAW of 2014. the in your face Illuminati imagery used in their entrance video and ring attire, coupled with their cornball promos and insistence that every other tag team they are accused of emulating (namely LOD and Demolition) sucked, has made crowds rather indifferent toward them. after the beatdown they took at the hands of the Outlaws (and JBL) this past week on RAW, they can only go up from here, right?!?

Brock Lesnar (c) d. John Cena and Seth Rollins – Brock is on his way to UFC, when his contract expires after Mania. that being said, he should still be champion when that show rolls around. Rollins being added to the match doesn’t make a whole lotta sense, since he’s already the Money in the Bank winner, but he’ll probably be used just to make sure Cena doesn’t win, thus furthering the feud for at least another month. all signs point to Seth being the next Paul Heyman guy, following Brock’s departure.

Paige and Natalya d. the Bella Twins – Xavier help me, they’re actually booking a halfway decent feud in the divas division. since Nikki’s title isn’t on the line, I suspect Brie will do the job, paving the way for the culmination to this feud at Mania.

Roman Reigns wins the Royal Rumble – this is what Vinman wants after the IWC (and CM Punk, to a certain extent) forced him to put “B+ player” Daniel Bryan in the main event of last year’s Mania. 27 has been the luckiest number, in terms of previous Rumble winners (4), so why not have Reigns be the latest. he last eliminates Bryan, causing audience members to litter the ring with folding chairs while a chorus of “E-C-DUB!” rings throughout the arena.

when golden shovels collide

Resident Anal HD

January 23, 2015

Resident Evil was hailed as a landmark video game which created the “survival horror” genre, upon it’s release on the original Playstation in 1996. never wanting to miss out on an opportunity to milk one of their most beloved franchises (which has gone off the rails in recent iterations) Capcom returned to their roots with a remastered version of the 2002 remake of Resident Evil, which appeared on Nintendo GameCube.

available this past Tuesday via Xbox Live Marketplace and Playstation Store, Resident Evil HD can be downloaded for the reasonable price of $20. having owned both prior editions, I couldn’t help but take the plunge. everything I know and loved about the game has been dutifully upgraded. exploring the mansion in beautiful HD with the new widescreen option adds an extra visual layer that is greatly appreciated. all the scares from the original are intact (dogs bursting thru windows; running around the shark tank; draining the bathtub, yadda yadda yadda). the puzzles are challenging (by 1996 standards) and the analog controls feel slightly less wonky than before, which can also sometimes lead to some frustrating problems with the camera. you do have the option to play with either the classic or modern controls. I still get the same satisfying feeling of landing a clean headshot that causes a zombie’s head to explode. it’s refreshing to play a game where ammo is in short supply, and you have to decide whether to fight or evade enemies. get munched on by one too many zombies, and you hafta start using your herbs to heal, lest you become “a Jill sandwich” can’t forget the cheesy dialogue!

all in all, it took me about 6 hours to playthru. this game is a great trip down memory lane for those of us who played the original. but I would only recommend it to diehard fans of the series. I would love to see them come out with a remastered version of RE2!

netflix: 4/5

imdb: 8/10


Hipsterscum Announces Plans To Enter Lucrative World Of Stand-Up Comedy

January 18, 2015

noted musician, musical historian, and avid facial hair grower, Hipsterscum, announced at a house party on Friday nite, that he was planning to try his hand at stand-up comedy. often referred to as the Mike Patton of the DC area due to his involvement with numerous musical projects, he said the time was right to pursue other interests.

“I’ve always enjoyed making ppl laugh, so I’m gonna start hitting up some open mics in the area.” when pressed by partygoers to tell some jokes, aspiring agent and noted paranoid neurotic, Persie Handfisher, Esq. advised his potential client to take the fifth.

“as someone who once had sex with a woman who auditioned for a Ford Focus commercial, I think I know a little bit about show business.” Handfisher said at his weekly press conference. “all he’s gotta do is say the word, and I’ll have him performing in front of potentially tens of ppl at one of the swankier Koreatown laundromats in LA.” more on this story as events warrant.

in other news, Handfisher expressed his disappointment with Yuengling after switching from bottles to cans midway thru the party. “it’s like nite and day, bruh!” he also finished in 4th place in a six-handed game of King of Tokyo. “my goal was to try and win by getting to 20 points without attacking.” he was ousted on the second to last roll, in a brutal double elimination, that cost him his last 5 hearts. Storm von MagicMist won the game, eliminating Wrath on the very next roll.

Handfisher struck up a conversation about the latest Star Trek movie, which he said he enjoyed, but not as much as the previous one. he later admitted that he had never seen the original Wrath of Khan movie, but that he still has the MAD Magazine issue where they parodied it “What Me, Vulcan?” indeed! speaking of MAD, anyone remember when it first came out back in 1995? one of the best sketches was Artie Lange as My White Mama (also starring Debra Wilson, Phil LaMarr, and Orlando Jones) maybe it doesn’t hold up as well 20 years later, but for MAD TV, it wasn’t bad.

with the AVN Awards fast approaching, Handfisher endorsed Dani Daniels for performer of the year. he then vowed to castrate himself, and mail his penis to Ms. Daniels, if she didn’t win.

Mobile Housing Community Lads: Season 8

January 14, 2015

after a seven year-hiatus, Netflix has resurrected another cult tv classic, in the form of Trailer Park Boys. the story of three lifelong friends who are petty criminals that live in Sunnyvale Trailer Park in Nova Scotia…CANADA! this show is shot in the mockumentary “let’s cut away to talk to the camera” style that seems to be all the rage these days.

there’s Julian, who’s the brains behind the operations, and always has the best interests of the trailer park in mind, even tho his best laid schemes eventually come undone. he is best known for always having a drink in his hand. there’s Ricky, who reminds me of a cross between Seth Rogen and John Candy. he’s not the sharpest pudding in the fannie pack, and is often times drunk and/or stoned. and finally there’s Bubbles, who exhibits the most common sense of the group, but ends up getting caught up in the schemes one way or another. he’s one part rain man and one part paranoid neurotic, who likes kittens and wears glasses so thick, you could probably fry an ant with them.

for the first six seasons, the boys were joined by bumbling stooges, Cory and Trevor. Trevor left after season 6, due to a pay dispute, but Cory returned after missing season 7. Philadelphia “Phil” Collins son, Jacob, replaced Trevor in season 7. fans of the show will be happy to know that everyone who was a cast regular has come back, including the disembodied voice who is often heard yelling obscenities from off-camera at the boys whenever something is afoot. sadly Phil Collins and “Shitty” Bill both passed away in 2013.

the main antagonists are Jim Lahey, an ex-cop turned alcoholic who runs Sunnyvale along with his on-again off-again boyfriend/assistant Randy, who likes cheeseburgers and never wears a shirt. every season begins and ends the same, with the boys coming up with a get rich quick scheme only to wind up getting busted and going to jail at season’s end. season 8 opens with the ownership rights to the trailer park up for grabs after Jim Lahey’s ex-wife, Barb, splits from her current husband, Sam Losco. with Barb and Sam each having 49.5% stake in the park, each of them works to convince Jim to sell his 1% share, to become majority owner. Barb teams up with Julian and Co. while Sam becomes partners with Cyrus, who was a recurring villain in seasons 1, 2, 4, and 5.

in order to come up with the necessary funds to buy out Lahey, Julian opens a strip club that serves free drinks, with donations appreciated. Ricky is still growing dope, and has come up with his own form of currency “hash coins” which he uses to barter with local merchants. he is trying to get back with Lucy, and his daughter, Trinity, is all grown up, and working as a waitress at Julian’s club. Bubbles wants to run an honest business as the proprietor of a bed and breakfast that caters to ppl with cats.

there are 10 episodes total in season 8, and they are all pretty solid. it’s almost like they never missed a beat. I’m really excited to hear there will be a season 9 released on Netflix in March, and rumour has it that they are writing seasons 10 and 11 this month. I wanna mention that I avoided watching the handful of movies they released b/c I was afraid it would dampen my opinion of the show and/or subsequent enthusiasm for the show when it was brought back. I may go back and watch them, but not until after the show has officially wrapped.

netflix: 4/5

imdb: 9/10


Hipsterscum Returns; Confirms Ministry Isn’t Worth Paying $60 For Tickets

January 11, 2015

it was truly a magical evening this past Friday nite when former Carnival Machine Armada bassist and longtime friend of this blog, Hipsterscum, made his triumphant return. He’s relocated closer to the action, in order to focus on his new project, Fetus Fiesta, so hopefully we’ll be seeing more of him in the coming year.

We started the nite off with a hotly-contested six-handed game of King of Tokyo. Hipsterscum won in his first try with 20 victory points. I got off to a good start with 7 energies, but was unable to use them to buy any upgrades, and eventually lost all but one of them. I hung around the game for a while, but I was too focused on trying to heal my character, when I should’ve been doing more attacking. I finished in 3rd place with 11 points.

as the group expanded, we played a game of Left, Center, Right. I finished 2nd, but it was also during this time that I heard the Minibosses covering Mega Man 2. they’re a band known for their covers of 8-bit games, and Mega Man 2’s soundtrack is one of the greatest of that era, along with Ninja Gaiden, Legend of Zelda, and Metroid. I was disappointed that it didn’t get a better reception from those in attendance, but it made my nite.

a tude brah of mine was relaying the story about how he left a trashbag full of p-pr0n over at his lady’s house, and one of the tapes happened to be Planet of the Gapes. I asked “is that Tom Byron’s Planet of the Gapes” to which he replied “of course” for those not in the know, Leonard Maltin once called Planet of the Gapes “the seminal anal fuck fest for the 20th century, single-handedly putting the term ‘prolapsed anus’ at the forefront of the America conscience.”

I discussed my brief time as the Assistant to the Regional Manager of Smut Peddling, at which time I laid out my idea for a live action My Little Pony lesbian gangbang. I had a script, backing from at least two unnamed p-pr0n b’s, and James Deen was gonna play Spike, no big whoop! since just about every other tv show has an x-rated parody, it boggles my mind that the adult industry has not done one yet. there is a market for this they are missing out on.

James Deen (middle) in his tour de force performance as Dennis Cordeluzzo in "My Husband Brought Home His Mistress 6"

James Deen (middle) in his tour de force performance as door-to-door suspenders salesman, Dennis Cordeluzzo, in “My Husband Brought Home His Mistress 6”

I had a slice of pizza from 7-11, which was much better than I thought it would be. this got me talking about last week’s pizza, which lead into a discussion about a really good burger I once ate. it’s called the Popper, contains 1/3 lb Angus Beef Patty, topped with Bacon, Fried Jalapenos, Chipotle Ketchup, and the kicker…CREAM CHEESE! I know what you’re thinking, it sounds disgusting, but believe me, it is a combination of flavours that’s tough to beat, altho I would only recommend indulging in something like this perhaps once a month.

I’ve started listening to the latter half of Ministry’s discography, in particular the last two albums. I’m only a casual fan, and some of that admiration stems from the fact that Al Jourgensen likes hockey (Blackhawks) The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste and Land of Rape and Honey are the best, followed by some really solid efforts in the early to mid-90s and then just prior to their first hiatus in the mid-2000s. and lest I forget, I enjoy their first synthpop effort, With Sympathy, Arista be damned! with the passing of longtime guitarist Mike Scaccia in 2012, Al announced Ministry would no longer produce any new material, but they will be touring this year. I’d like to see them, but $60 is a bit pricey for my tastes. an impromptu survey conducted amongst partygoers seemed to confirm my theory. in the meantime, anyone who’s even remotely interested in Ministry should do themselves a favour, and check out “In Case You Didn’t Feel Like Showing Up” which is an awesome live show they filmed during the Mind tour in 89-90.

another tude brah mentioned something about Oderus Urungus being memorialized at some awards show. a popular theory amongst those who believe in the Illuminati, is that Oderus may have been sacrificed by Sleazy P. Martini, who while best known as GWAR’s “tour manager” was also the band’s handler behind the scenes. following in the footsteps of such other notable suspicious musicians deaths as Whitney Houston, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse. the other side to that coin is that when I saw GWAR in November 2013, Oderus looked like a man who was out of sorts, still deeply affected by the passing of Cory Smoot aka Flattus Maximus, in 2011. while Oderus professed to be the crack-smoking, butt-raping, interplanetary ruler we all knew and loved, Dave Brockie had been clean and sober for quite some time prior to his passing. I just can’t imagine GWAR without him, and several ppl who I’ve talked to that have seen them sans Oderus, told me it just isn’t the same. we’ll always have Scumdogs of the Universe, R.I.P. Dave

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013)

January 7, 2015

nine years after the original, Will Ferrell resurrects America’s favourite newsman, Ron Burgundy, in Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. did they really need to make a sequel? the answer unfortunately, is probably not. that being said, I am a huge Will Ferrell fan, and to a lesser extent, Steve Carell, but this just seemed like more of the same.

the movie opens with Ron and Kelly Bundy happily married with a kid, and the couple on the verge of a huge promotion at work. after coming out on the wrong end of an ultimatum, Ron packs up his shit and moves to New York City, to take an anchor job with GNN, at the advent of 24/7 news and the cable medium.

of course, he rounds up the rest of the gang. Steve Carell’s idiot manchild portrayal of Brick Tamland was cute in the first movie, but his schtick wore thin pretty quick in the sequel. Kristen Wiig plays Shani, a dim-witted secretary at GNN, and Brick’s love interest, Wiig as usual is great, but I wish she was in more scenes. Paul Rudd and David Koechner reprise their roles as Brian Fantana and Champ Kind, but are for the most part nondescript.

they attempt to re-create the epic fight scene from the first movie, by jam-packing it with even more celebrity cameos: Jim Carrey, Kanye West, Will Smith, Liam Neeson, John C. Reilly, to name a few. Vince Vaughn¬† made a brief appearance as Ron’s nemesis from the first Anchorman, Channel 9’s Wes Mantooth. as long as we’re on the subject of celebrity cameos, fans of “Too Many Cooks” will want to keep an eye out for the killer, who has an uncredited role as a cab driver in one scene.

different city, with more of the same jokes, zany Ron Burgundy one-liners, and formulaic, if not mildly entertaining storyline. don’t go in expecting much and enjoy it for what it is.

moral of the story: women should never be put in a position of power, b/c they’ll just be too busy trying to have sexual relations with their male subordinates, on account of their menstrual cycles, and whutnot.

netflix: 3/5

imdb: 5.8/10

Discontinuation of Frito Pizza Brings Back Painful Memories For One Local Moron

January 6, 2015

local pizza eater and asian pornstar enthusiast, Persie Handfisher, had never indulged in Papa John’s Frito pizza, but heard good things about it. “I wasn’t exactly sold after watching the commercials, but after several convos with my tude brah, I wanted to take the plunge.”

several attempts to get others interested in going in on a pizza yielded unsuccessful results. “check it brah, I was talking to my bromigo, and I was like, amigosabe, I’m coming over, and we’re gonna order a Frito pizza and have a Corey Feldman movie marathon.” the deal ultimately fell thru when they were unable to come to the unanimous agreement that “License To Drive” is the greatest of the Corey movies.

so when the tude brah who peaked his interest in the Frito pizza showed up for a routine Friday nite hangout, Persie was all in when the decision was made to order one. sadly, when the call was made, they were informed that Papa John’s had discontinued the pie.

“oh damn, when I heard that, I just wanted to slam a window on my penis, ya feel me, brohan!” Handfisher told reporters as he tried to fight back tears.

for Handfisher, it brought back painful memories, as he recalled his affinity for Domino’s Doublemelt pizza.

“picture it, the winter of 2005, and Domino’s unveils a new pizza that has an extra layer of cheese baked into the crust. I mean, can you believe it, how did they get all that cheese into that crust, mang?!? every Tuesday, like clockwork, me and my buddy would shoot heroin into each other’s testicles, and then order two Doublemelt pizzas…for the price of one!”

for whatever reason, the promotion ended only months after it began. but the memories of that fine pizza, and the collapsed veins in Persie’s scrotum, live on with us forever.

luckily, there was a backup plan in effect, as the party audibled to a coupla three-topping pizzas from New York Pizza.

“I felt pretty good about the toppings we chose” Handfisher continued during his Monday morning press conference “canadian bacon, jalapenos, and pineapple, b/c I taint not never had no pizza whut didn’t not come with no damn pineapples that didn’t not taste like it wasn’t not the best damn thing I ever tasted, BAY-BAY!”

it was an extended four-day weekend thanks to New Years falling on a Thursday, so I made my way out for the year’s first hangout on Friday nite. per my request, we watched the season 3 premiere of the Eric Andre Show. Seth Rogen came out first. Eric asked him for his cell, then flashed a 323 area code # on the screen. Seth did the Letterman bit where he put on a velcro suit, and jumped off a trampoline on to a wall he was supposed to stick to. Asa Akira was up next to promote “Asian Anal Aces” but gets cut off when the mother of Hannibal’s children confronts him about not being the father.

Editor’s note: following exhaustive research, my intern regrets to inform me that there is no such movie as “Asian Anal Aces”

We watched an episode of Mr. Pickles, the show about a bloodthirsty Satanic canine who is best friends with six year-old Tommy. some ppl may be surprised to know Brooke Shields does the voice of Tommy’s mom. in this episode, Tommy tries to lose a tooth, in hopes of meeting the tooth fairy, while the sheriff hunts down a pack of pedophiles.

We watched an episode of American Dad as Francine’s hot asian sister (voiced by Uma Thurman) pays a visit. Stan and Steve try to cop a feel, while Hayley suspects Francine is hiding a secret. Roger leaves during Act I to pursue hidden treasure, when he finds out his adventuring partner is in a coma, leaving Klaus to pick up on the episode’s dramatic cues.

We watched a coupla 11 minute episodes of Adventure Time. one episode was Jake living out his dream of being a brick in a wall when it collapses, and in the meantime, he ends up giving everyone a blow-by-blow description of a conflict between a deer and a bunny. “how very Daoist” as one observer noted. the other episode involved Finn chasing Jake thru a continuous loop of dreams with the ultimate goal of reviving Prismo (voiced by Kumail Nanjiani), who was killed by the Lich King, in a previous episode.

We played two games of King of Tokyo. it’s a board game from Richard Garfield, the same guy behind Magic: The Gathering and Robo Rally. it’s a game for up to 6 players, and the objective is to be the last man standing. you can also win by being the first to 20 victory points. you roll six dice, where you can get either victory points (you need three of a kind to get the point value of the dice), energy to upgrade your character, hearts to replenish life, or attack other monsters. there is a minimal learning curve, and I would be willing to play more of this.

Metallica Through The Never…And Hopefully Never Again

January 1, 2015

if you’re like me, then you gave up on Metallica after they released the Load album in 1996. still, I couldn’t help but check out their live concert/film thingy Through The Never (2013) on Netflix. put this on the long list of terrible ideas the band has come up with as they’ve meandered thru the latter half of their increasingly unremarkable career.

live concert footage from shows they filmed in Edmonton and Vancouver mixed with footage of a roadie (who reminds me of Edward Furlong for some strange reason) sent out to the mean streets of Vancouver…British Columbia, to retrieve a valuable item in a duffel bag, for the band. a ridiculous premise for a movie that only got worse as it plodded along. this is basically a concert wrapped inside a movie wrapped inside a concert wrapped inside a hideous Christmas sweater.

I will say the stage show was mildly impressive, and with all the faux mishaps on-stage like a non-working mic, and a faulty lighting rig, there was a small part of me that felt like I was watching a live action version of a Metalocalypse episode. I kept hoping the Lady Justice statue would topple and crush Lars, or perhaps the giant electric chair hovering above the stage would malfunction and electrocute half the audience. they also managed to break out the tried and true “roadie on fire” bit that they used on tour back in 1997 *yawn*

and speaking of lame gimmicks from yesteryear, I realize it was just part of the show, but I thought it was pretty gawdamn stupid that they had crew members on-stage assembling the Lady Justice statue while the band was playing …AJFA. I liked it better the first time I saw it, 25 years ago, on the Damaged Justice tour

even tho I know absolutely nothing about how to write or play music, it’s pretty clear that Lars no longer practices drums, James is a gawdawful singer, Kirk can still play most of the solos, and the bass player looked way more excited to be there, than most of the fans in attendance. not sure how this movie has a 7.3 rating on imdb. probably a bunch of diehard Metallica fans did a lot of drugs, and then watched it in Imax 3-D. I’m back in the new year, baby!

netflix: 2/5

imdb: 4/10

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Unsuccessfully Coping With The Natural Beauty Of Having Your Friend Ejaculate On You While You’re Fucking His Sister In The Ass

March 17, 2014

Hooking Up (2009) cuts away all the sappy melodramatic parts of a teenage sex comedy, and replaces it with even more raunchy sex talk. when the opening lines revolve around a group of high school boys asking each other if they’ve ever tasted their own cum, you know you’ve got a cinema masterpiece. it’s like if Paul Finch was gettin’ butt from Stifler’s mom, and then Stifler bust in the room, and ejaculated on both of them.

all your favourite fetishes are explored to some extent in this movie: ANAL, auto-erotic asphyxiation, reverse cuckolding, gloryholes, vouyerism, seagulling, BARE FEET. despite the inclusion of veteran actors, Bronson Pinchot and Corey Feldman, the acting is subpar, the dialogue is juvenile, and at times non-sensical, and the production values are non-existent. Pinchot plays a high school chemistry teacher, who gets hit on by one of his students, who also happens to be the principal’s daughter. Corey Feldman (who was 37 at the time of production) playing a chauvinistic 25 year-old, who is dating a high school girl.

the three girls in this movie offer varying degrees of sexual promiscuity. one girl is a virgin, who loves performing oral on guys. her best friend is trying to bang Bronson Pinchot, and the third girl is a glutton for punishment. I should also mention there is a fourth girl, who appears sporadically throughout the movie, and is hilarious with her reax, during the library scenes.

on a side note, fans of the obscure hippie jam band, WEEN, might be interested to know, part of this movie was filmed in Bucks County, PA. don’t let the native rating of 2.8 on imdb fool you, this shit was so bad, it was good. take it for what it is: a late-night, straight to video, no-budget, raunchy sex comedy.
netflix: 5/5
imdb: 9/10

gettin' butt