Metallica Through The Never…And Hopefully Never Again

if you’re like me, then you gave up on Metallica after they released the Load album in 1996. still, I couldn’t help but check out their live concert/film thingy Through The Never (2013) on Netflix. put this on the long list of terrible ideas the band has come up with as they’ve meandered thru the latter half of their increasingly unremarkable career.

live concert footage from shows they filmed in Edmonton and Vancouver mixed with footage of a roadie (who reminds me of Edward Furlong for some strange reason) sent out to the mean streets of Vancouver…British Columbia, to retrieve a valuable item in a duffel bag, for the band. a ridiculous premise for a movie that only got worse as it plodded along. this is basically a concert wrapped inside a movie wrapped inside a concert wrapped inside a hideous Christmas sweater.

I will say the stage show was mildly impressive, and with all the faux mishaps on-stage like a non-working mic, and a faulty lighting rig, there was a small part of me that felt like I was watching a live action version of a Metalocalypse episode. I kept hoping the Lady Justice statue would topple and crush Lars, or perhaps the giant electric chair hovering above the stage would malfunction and electrocute half the audience. they also managed to break out the tried and true “roadie on fire” bit that they used on tour back in 1997 *yawn*

and speaking of lame gimmicks from yesteryear, I realize it was just part of the show, but I thought it was pretty gawdamn stupid that they had crew members on-stage assembling the Lady Justice statue while the band was playing …AJFA. I liked it better the first time I saw it, 25 years ago, on the Damaged Justice tour

even tho I know absolutely nothing about how to write or play music, it’s pretty clear that Lars no longer practices drums, James is a gawdawful singer, Kirk can still play most of the solos, and the bass player looked way more excited to be there, than most of the fans in attendance. not sure how this movie has a 7.3 rating on imdb. probably a bunch of diehard Metallica fans did a lot of drugs, and then watched it in Imax 3-D. I’m back in the new year, baby!

netflix: 2/5

imdb: 4/10

Unsuccessfully Coping With The Natural Beauty Of Having Your Friend Ejaculate On You While You’re Fucking His Sister In The Ass

Hooking Up (2009) cuts away all the sappy melodramatic parts of a teenage sex comedy, and replaces it with even more raunchy sex talk. when the opening lines revolve around a group of high school boys asking each other if they’ve ever tasted their own cum, you know you’ve got a cinema masterpiece. it’s like if Paul Finch was gettin’ butt from Stifler’s mom, and then Stifler bust in the room, and ejaculated on both of them.

all your favourite fetishes are explored to some extent in this movie: ANAL, auto-erotic asphyxiation, reverse cuckolding, gloryholes, vouyerism, seagulling, BARE FEET. despite the inclusion of veteran actors, Bronson Pinchot and Corey Feldman, the acting is subpar, the dialogue is juvenile, and at times non-sensical, and the production values are non-existent. Pinchot plays a high school chemistry teacher, who gets hit on by one of his students, who also happens to be the principal’s daughter. Corey Feldman (who was 37 at the time of production) playing a chauvinistic 25 year-old, who is dating a high school girl.

the three girls in this movie offer varying degrees of sexual promiscuity. one girl is a virgin, who loves performing oral on guys. her best friend is trying to bang Bronson Pinchot, and the third girl is a glutton for punishment. I should also mention there is a fourth girl, who appears sporadically throughout the movie, and is hilarious with her reax, during the library scenes.

on a side note, fans of the obscure hippie jam band, WEEN, might be interested to know, part of this movie was filmed in Bucks County, PA. don’t let the native rating of 2.8 on imdb fool you, this shit was so bad, it was good. take it for what it is: a late-night, straight to video, no-budget, raunchy sex comedy.
netflix: 5/5
imdb: 9/10

The Comedy (2012)

Tim Heidecker stars as a thirty-something chomsky honk, who lives on a boat, and fucks around with his friends, irritating those outside of the group, in the process. he is waiting for his elderly father to kick the bucket, so he can collect the inheritance. this movie is basically Kids, if Telly was in his 30s. it’s supposed to be a drama, but it’s Tim & Eric. you’re either going to love it or hate it. I enjoyed it, but there were a coupla WTF moments and scenes that were incredibly slow. the opening bit about prolapsed anuses was pretty funny. Eric Wareheim and Neil Hamburger are also in it.

imdb rating: 6.1
my rating: 7.8

Los Hombres Que Miran Fijamente A Las Cabras (2009)

Ewan McGregor is Bob Wilton. a journalist who takes a job following a government psyops agent around Iraq.
Jeff Bridges is Bill Django. a Vietnam vet, who gets shot, and returns home, to start the New Earth Army.
George Clooney is Lynn Cassady, the top recruit in Django’s army of psychic warriors.
Kevin Spacey is Larry Hooper, the antagonist and Clooney’s fellow warrior, who is jealous of his psychic powers.
Stephen Root, Robert Patrick, and Nick Offerman have bit roles.

Jeff Bridges is the only actor, of the main four, that I like. from the previews, it looked like this was a comedy. the funny parts were few and far between. I found it extremely confusing. I couldn’t tell whether Clooney’s character was being serious about his psychic abilities, or just fucking with McGregor. I didn’t care much for the ending, and in general, watching this movie was a waste of time. maybe if you’re a hardcore conspiracy theorist, u would enjoy this. the native rating on imdb is 6.3, but that’s being generous.

MORAL OF THE STORY: TAKE DRUGS, NOT WAR

netflix: 2/5
imdb: 4.2/10

Carl At The Movies: Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

imdb native rating: 7.9
Carl’s score: 8.3

CAST:
Jennifer Lawrence (The Hunger Games) won an Academy Award for Best Actress, for her portrayal of Tiffany, a slut who preys on the insecurities of escaped mental patients, by secretly posing as their estranged wives, enticing them with the prospect of reconciliation, in exchange for their participation in some kind of bizarre dance competition.

Bradley Cooper (The Hangover) is Pat, a former teacher who goes mental after catching his wife cheating on him. upon his release from the loony bin, he moves in with his parents. his hobbies include pining for his whore wife and wearing a trash bag in public.

Robert De Niro in his best role since that movie where he played a good fella, I think it was called Those Mafia Guys Who Talked With The Thick New York Accents. he plays Pat’s father, an Eagles fan, whose best friend is a Cowboys fan?!? he’s extremely superstitious and makes his money gambling on football.

Jacki Weaver as Pat’s mom, Delores. just like any good woman, she excels in the kitchen.

Anupam Kher as Pat’s psychiatrist, Dr. Cliff Patel. he’s a fellow Eagles fan, who gets off on tormenting Pat, by playing his wedding song during their visits.

Chris Tucker (Rush Hour) as Pat’s friend, Danny. he’s also an escaped mental patient who teaches Pat and Tiffany how to dance.

Julia Stiles (The Bourne movies) as Tiffany’s MILFy older sister, Veronica.

John Ortiz as Veronica’s husband, Ronnie. he likes Pat’s DeSean Jackson jersey, and breaking stuff in the garage, while listening to bands like Metallica and Megadeth.

SYNOPSIS:
this is your typical love story about a guy who pretends to be interested in something one girl is interested in, while trying to get with another girl, at the same time.

apparently, as long as you don’t bring up Stevie Wonder, everything’s cool. I had a similar situation every time I would hear REO Speedwagon.

ballroom dancing is one of the dumbest things you could do, and should only be attempted, if entrance to the bone zone is imminent.

as a self-respecting New Yorker, I don’t know how De Niro could even pretend to be an Eagles fan, so for that alone, he deserves an Academy Award. the Eagles friggin’ suck, end of story!

it’s a shame the dinner scene at Veronica’s house didn’t turn into some sort of incestuous wifeswap scenario, but I guess they had to cut it due to time constraints.

to all the women who refused to have sex with me, b/c I insisted on wearing my Phil Simms Super Bowl XXI replica jersey, I say, who’s the real asshole here?!?

MORAL OF THE STORY: BITCHES BE CRAZY!!!

Tim & Eric: Billion Dollar Movie Trailer, Great Job!

here’s the trailer for Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, that comes out January 27 On Demand, and March 2 in theatres. it’s got all the big stars: Will Forte, Robert Loggia, Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis, Jeff Goldblum, John C. Reilly, and James Quall. this will be right on par with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie that was released in theatres, a few years ago.

Human Centipede II (Full Sequence): More Ass-To-Mouth Than A Mike Adriano Flick

the sequel follows the exploits of Martin, a deranged loner who lives with his mother. he looks like an older, fatter, balder version of The Minion. Martin has just watched the first movie, and dreams of building off the work of Dr. Heiter, by creating a 12-person centipede. Martin attempts to recruit the three actors from the first film, pretending to work for Quentin Tarantino. Ashlynn Yennie is the only one who accepts the invitation. Martin goes about the arduous task of collecting his victims (including a pregnant woman) he knocks out their teeth with a hammer, and then slices open their buttocks. he uses a staple gun to join them ass-to-mouth. he becomes sexually aroused to the point, that he fucks the chick at the end of the centipede. if u liked the first movie, then you’ll probably like the sequel. perhaps in the next movie, Martin lives out my personal fantasy of creating an underground lesbian centipede sexfighting tournament. on the XianZ ratings scale of -10 to +10, Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) gets a +5…

It Takes A Pot-Smoking Transient To Raise A Widowed Father And His 12 Year-Old Masochist Son

apparently, I already wrote a review of Hesher. even more shockingly, I saw it in the theatre…with a date, FRITATA! here’s some notes I made after watching it a second time over the weekend:

Hesher (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a transient who moves in with a recently-widowed father, and his son, after the son gets him forced out of the abandoned house he was squatting in. Paul Forney (Rainn Wilson) loses his wife in a car accident. he becomes depressed, quits his job at Dunder Mifflin, and grows a beard. his son TJ, is one-part masochist, and one-part dumbass. he gets hit by a car while riding his bike; flips his bike while riding thru a construction site; has his head dunked in a toilet; wants to spend $1900 for the totaled car his mother died in; walks in on his “crush” getting fucked by Hesher; has a few run-ins with a bully; Hesher sees the bully laying into TJ, but does nothing. Hesher runs TJ over in his van; TJ also enjoys being spit on and farted on. Natalie Portman plays the cashier that TJ has a crush on. she would’ve gotten the money from him to pay her parking tickets, if she wasn’t such a gawdamn whore! Grandma is trying to keep the family together, but the stress eventually gets to her.

if u like 1980s Metallica, then you’ll love the soundtrack: Fight Fire With Fire, Anesthesia, Battery, Motorbreath, and The Shortest Straw, are all played during the movie.

some of my favourite scenes:
Hesher and TJ go to the bully’s house. Hesher sets fire to the bully’s car, and leaves TJ behind.
Hesher, TJ, and Nicole (Portman) go to this empty house. they jump in the pool, but then Hesher goes crazy, setting the diving board on fire and then throwing all the lawn furniture in the pool.
TJ and Hesher are trailing Nicole, when she gets into an accident. it is clearly her fault, but Hesher bullies the other driver into leaving. it was kinda funny when they shot that scene, b/c they had both lanes of traffic blocked, and u could see cars in the distance backing up and turning around. they could’ve spent more time, but they probably didn’t have the budget for it.
TJ buys Nicole an ice cream. as he leaves, Nicole turns to watch, and it’s here that Wrath claims “her inner pedophile awoke.”

ET MEETS SLC PUNK! the humour in this movie is dark and hilarious, almost Seinfeldian in nature. some of the funniest scenes are with Hesher and Grandma (Piper Laurie) u may remember her as the cold-hearted real estate tycoon, Catherine Martell, from Twin Peaks.

moral of the story: homeless anarchists make for entertaining houseguests

Captain America Movie Woulda Been Better If They Had Based It On The Moistboyz Song Instead Of The Comic Book

in what is being hailed as the worst prequel since the first Star Wars movie in 1999, Captain America: The First Avenger, tells the story of some dude named Steve Rogers. he’s from Brooklyn, so he has that going for him. it’s 1942, and Rogers is rejected for service in WW II. he is so adamant about serving his country, that he ends up being recruited for an experiment, where they are developing a new “super-soldier” yadda yadda yadda, Tony Starks declares Rogers dead, but he awakens in the present-day where Samuel L. Jackson is pitching the sequel to Snakes On A Plane.

Steve Rogers, army reject turned mutant soldier. the government chewed him up, and spit him out, disavowing any knowledge of him. down on his luck, he turns to trafficking narcotics. this is his story:

Steve Rogers and Tony Starks are traveling in Starks Nissan Altima, on their way to make a drop in Santa Fe, New Mexico. there’s some Rush blaring on the car radio.

Rogers: GAWDAMN, Neil Pert is the best fucking drummer ever!
Starks: you’re right about that, you fuckin’ chomsky honk.
Rogers: so how much longer before we get to where we’re going?
Starks: about another hour and a half.
Rogers: fuck man, I gotta take another leak.
Starks: did u fill that empty bottle up already? HA! that’s ok, I need to fill up on gas anyways.
Rogers: I thought about drinking my own urine, just so I could refill it.
Starks: you’re a fuckin’ alcoholic and a half, brah!
Rogers: yeah, thanks for the newsflash

they pull into a gas station, Starks fills up on gas, while Rogers heads inside

Rogers: hey mang, let me get a pack of Marlboro Reds and a six-pack of MGD
Clerk: that’ll be $11.57, can I see some ID?
Rogers: ID?!? don’t u know who I am, I served in the military, mother fucker, u better watch yourself!
Clerk: please sir, I don’t want any trouble, I just need to see some ID.
Rogers: I got your ID right here!

Rogers pulls out a .22 and waves it at the clerk

Rogers: how about you empty out the register
Clerk: oh fuck, please don’t kill me! just go ahead and take the cash

Starks enters the gas station

Starks: what the fuck are you doing, Steve?!?
Rogers: this mother fucker over here doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. grab the cash out of the register!
Starks: we don’t hafta do this, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Rogers: hey, I said grab the fuckin’ money.

Starks grabs the cash out of the drawer, and the two bolt out of the gas station. the clerk triggered the silent alarm. Starks and Rogers speed off, but the cops aren’t far behind.

Starks: oh man, we are fucked!
Rogers: I ain’t afraid of no pigs.

Starks notices some white powder around one of Rogers nostrils

Starks: you didn’t do any coke in the bathroom, did you?
Rogers: so what if I did?
Rogers: are you crazy? that wasn’t even ours to do.

sirens are blaring, and they pull over

Cop 1: you mind showing me your registration, sir
Starks: no problem, officer. why did you stop us?
Cop 1: we got a report the gas station a few miles down the road was just robbed. vehicle description matches the one you fellas are driving.

Cop 2 shines his flashlight into the passenger side window, where Rogers is rocking back and forth, muttering to himself incoherently

Cop 2: is your friend alright?
Starks: yes, officer, he’s just had a little too much to drink, so I’m being a good designated driver, and taking him home.

Cop 2 notices Rogers .22 is still visible from underneath his shirt

Cop 2: sir, do you have a license to own that firearm?
Rogers: what the fuck are you talking about?
Cop 2: I can clearly see the piece, and I’m asking you if you have the right to carry it.
Rogers: c’mon man, I got nothing to hide
Cop 2: sir, would you mind stepping out of the car?
Rogers: sorry officer, that’s not gonna happen.
Starks: just do what he says, Steve.
Cop 1: if I were you, I’d listen to your friend.
Rogers: yeah, and if I were you, I’d lay off the glazed donuts.
Cop 2: alright, get out of the car

Cop 2 opens the passenger side door, and attempts to physically remove Rogers from the vehicle

Rogers: get your fuckin’ hands off me
Cop 2: sir, I’m gonna need you to not resist, and step out of the car peacefully.
Rogers: nah, fuck that. I’m not going anywhere.

Cop 2 steps back and draws his weapon

Cop 2: get out of the car, and put your hands on your head. DO IT, NOW!
Starks: gawdamnit Steve, get out!
Rogers: I ain’t afraid of these fucking pigs!

Starks proceeds to exit the vehicle, but Rogers remains with his seatbelt fastened. Starks is laying facedown on the cement, Cop 1 begins his patdown of Starks. Rogers and Cop 2 continue to exchange words, when shots are fired.

Cop 1: shots fired, officer down! I repeat, officer down!

Cop 1 fires several shots at Rogers, two hitting him in the torso, and the third going straight thru his temple. Rogers falls backward toward the passenger seat, clutching his .22 to his chest.

Paranoia don’t cost a dime
Eyes in the back of my head
Everything I do is a crime
Guess Captain America’s dead

dedicated to the original Trenton cracker, Mr. Dickie Moist

Unsuccessfully Coping With The Natural Beauty of Zombification Thru Brain-Eating

Brains for dinner
Brains for lunch
Brains for breakfast
Brains for brunch
Brains at every single meal
Why can’t we have some guts

the year is 1985: America braces for another four years of Reaganomics, thrash metal has hit it’s stride, the NES is released in North America, and a young comedian named Joe Piscopo, taught us all how to laugh.

that year also brought the movie The Return of the Living Dead. a movie that was not a sequel to George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead, but instead told the story as if Romero’s classic was based on true events. it’s the weekend of July 4, 1984, and the work day is coming to a close at a medical supply warehouse. it’s young Freddy’s first day on the job, and his boss asks him if he’s ever seen Night of the Living Dead. he tells Freddy that the military is storing the corpses in the basement. they go to check one out, but the storage tank leaks a noxious gas in the air, which causes a corpse to come back to life. following a brief struggle, they decapitate the corpse, and head across the street to the mortuary, to dispose of the body. they incinerate the body, which releases more toxins into the air. a storm pushes thru, washing all the chemicals back into the ground, causing the corpses at the neighboring graveyard to come back to life. Freddy’s friends just happen to be partying at the graveyard, while they wait for him to get off work. zombies don’t eat humans, just the brains, in order to cope with the pain of being dead. there’s a paramedic who gets gang-tackled by a group of zombies. seriously, I know it’s just a movie, but that looked like it fuckin’ hurt! as unrealistic as a zombie outbreak is, this is a pretty realistic assessment of what would happen if one were to occur. how do u kill something that’s already dead? it’s not a bad question, Burt! u can’t, and in the end, everyone dies.

Miguel A. Nunez is the only actor I recognized (Juwanna Mann, Black Dynamite) The Return of the Living Dead is considered to be a cult classic, grossing $14 million on a budget of $4 million.

following in the footsteps of Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz, The Return of the Living Dead syncs up with Apocalyptica’s Inquisition Symphony album. b/c horror movies and string orchestra instrumental albums of Metallica covers go together like peanut butter and jelly. oh, it’s true, it’s damn true!

this movie is notable to me, b/c there is a song off the Fecal Eater compilation that contains a soundbite. it’s by a band called Troglodyte, and the name of the song is Evil From the Graveyard. I put the song on my own personal mix entitled The Best of Fecal Eater Vol. 3. sorry, u can’t find it in stores.

netflix: 5/5
imdb: 10/10

“I can feel myself rotted!”